Lately I’ve been making my way slowly but happily through Pema Chodron’s Welcoming the Unwelcome, and I love it. (Thanks again to Nicole for the recommendation!) It’s not a long book but I’m reading one chapter at a time and not rushing through it. This is the second book I’ve read by Pema, and what I love is, although she’s a Buddhist nun, she writes in a very clear, down-to-earth style.
You know what I mean… sometimes these spiritual books say things like “Life is a river… it ebbs and flows” or “A cloud never dies.” Okay- what am I supposed to do with that? Or, let’s take Eckhart Tolle. I actually love Eckhart, but here’s a quote from his book A New Earth: “The Subject, the I, the knower without which nothing could be known, perceived, thought, or felt, must remain forever unknowable. This is because the I has no form. Only forms can be known, and yet without the formless dimension, the world of form could not be.”
ACK! What???
Let’s get back to Pema Chodron (quickly.) Not only is her writing crystal clear, where everything makes sense the first time through, but she gives examples of things you can do right now to start implementing her ideas.
The underlying theme of the book is the importance of overcoming polarization. She says, “There are many ways to talk about the problems of this world, but one way or another, they all have to do with polarization.” And, polarizations begins in our own minds.
Pema suggests an exercise we can do called “Just like me.” You go to a public place and look around at the people. Choose a random person, and say to yourself, “Just like me, this person doesn’t want to feel uncomfortable. Just like me, this person doesn’t want to be disliked. Just like me, this person wants to have friends and intimacy.” By doing this you realize that our similarities are greater than our differences.
Here’s an example from my own life where I’ve done a form of this exercise. I’ve found that sometimes I’ll begin a massage, and I’ll start to notice the odor of cigarettes emanating from the person’s skin. Outwardly I’m still working hard at the massage, but my thoughts start to go something like this: “Oh, this person smokes. They obviously don’t care about their health. What difference will one massage make? They’re not doing much to take care of themselves.” I’ve unconsciously put them in a separate category from myself, maybe even thinking that they don’t deserve a massage as much as another person.
The last time I caught myself in that situation, I instead thought like this: “Just like me, this person doesn’t want to be in pain. Just like me, this person wants to feel good, Just like me, this person has some bad habits that are very hard to break.” I could go on and on. This person wants to be loved, This person wants to be healthy. This person doesn’t want to suffer.
I guess the point it, I consider myself to be a reasonably tolerant and somewhat enlightened person- but I can find all sorts of examples of times when I fall into the “us” vs. “them” mentality. I’m working hard at becoming aware of this because Pema says if we can commit to overcoming polarization in our own minds, it will help the world. God knows we need as much help as possible.
I know what you’re thinking- “Jenny, the title of your blog is RUNNERS FLY. What in the world does this have to do with running?” Well… I have to do something while my foot heals up! I’ve got extra time on my hands- might as well try to help the world, right?
Have you read any books by Eckhart Tolle or Pema Chodron? Do you like books like this?
Do you have times where you find yourself falling into an “us” vs. “them” mentality?
26 Responses
Haha, Jenny, I don’t mind it at all when runners go off-topic!
I like that “just like me” exercise. It reminds me a bit of the Golden Rule from the Bible, just from a slightly different angle.
Yes, there are many times I fall into that “me vs. him/her” trap, especially with strangers. While I get all upset and annoyed, my husband just breezes through the situation. He makes a little joke, has a chat with the person and all is well. You’d think I’d learn from his example, right?!
All the best with your foot!
Your husband’s way sounds perfect! We could all learn from his example- easier said than done though.
This is so interesting and important. We tend to make snap judgments. I try not to but I am human.
Here are some examples:
If you have a lot of friends, people think you are an extrovert. No, I am not.
If you are thin, you don’t eat a lot or count calories. Nope.
You are thin because you run. No I was much thinner before I was a runner.
How many times do we judge people by their looks, interests, jobs, etc?
And the same with blogs… some bloggers share it all and then others choose to keep their private life out of print..
Enough of a rant.
I always appreciate your thoughts.. It gets me thinking…
Thanks Darlene! I have to laugh a little (at myself) because I totally had you pegged an as extrovert. Just goes to show…
Nope. I’ll hide in a corner with a large group. I hate to speak in public… etc. But as a teacher, I’ve had to become an extroverted introvert lol
It’s so easy to make snap decisions, isn’t it.
I have been battling a similar situation (to your smoking/don’t care about their health) over the last 6 months. Someone new entered my life and my first impression was…not great and I really mind how it’s impacted my thinking every since. Being aware of it is helping me slowly adjust, but it has just been so tough. But I also realize that my initial impression is important because it actually impacts how much I can trust this person. Sigh. It’s a complicated situation and hard to explain without going into specifics, but it has weighed SO heavily on me the last 6 months…
Well… yes, your situation sounds complicated. Sometimes there’s a tricky balance between being non-judgmental and having to say “no, this is not okay.” I guess maybe you would judge the behavior and not the person? It would be hard to separate the two.
Good point. Some of the behaviour made me wary, but also just the general presentation of themselves, but then I also feel like I’m judging based on personal preference and lumping people unfairly…Sigh. I’ve basically found a way to avoid the situation/person, but it has been a huge source of anxiety. I feel mostly okay with it now, but wish I had a solid game plan for the future on this situation.
Thanks for this review – I have the same issues with some of these types of books being too philosophical, with not enough guidance on what exactly to do. I love this exercise and I definitely want to pick up this book now.
Thanks for commenting, Sarah! Yes… I highly recommend this book- I think you would like it.
Hey this applies to running as well as the rest of life so you’re right on topic! I don’t ever read books like these because I think they’re all like Tolle, but now that you’ve given me a peek maybe I’ll check out Chodron.
Yes, if you want a spiritual/philosophical book that isn’t too dense, this would be a good one.
I agree with Catrina, the “Just like me” is very similar to the “Do unto others” notion. It’s a great exercise to not necessarily judge less, but to compare more. I think we have a lot more in common with these “others (for lack of a better word)” than we care to admit (or acknowledge).
Yes- I think the main thing we can get out of this is the knowledge of how much we all have in common- something that’s easy to forget.
I found the “just like me” exercise to be very valuable as well. I think about that all the time now. It’s so much better than thinking polarizing thoughts, that “that person is wrong and I am right” kind of thoughts we are all subject to. It’s such a great book and the first I’ve read of hers (won’t be the last!)
Yes, I just talked about that one chapter- but they’re all so good.
A very interesting observation that you had while in your massage. I am sure I make these types of snap judgements all the time. Thanks for bringing that to my awareness
Yes, and that’s just one example of many. But now that I’m more aware of it, I’m working to stop (or at least minimize) this way of thinking.
“Just like me” exercise is so important. Sometimes I find myself quick to make judgements of others and that’s something I am working on.
Yes why is it so easy to make judgements like that? This exercise has been really helping me.
I should check out Pema. I love books that are easy to read but that I can take slow. No rush. Savor. And filled with life lessons. Thanks for recommending.
You would really like her books! I’m really enjoying this one because it’s her latest, and deals with the issue of polarization- so important for our country right now.
This is such a beautiful way of looking at the world and remembering that everyone is doing the best they can. It can be hard to remember that. I can be a very judgy person and I have to be very mindful of that when I find myself falling down a path of judging someone that I don’t even know. And it’s a good way to connect ourselves with the people around us. Love this post!
Thank you Stephany! Yes, I used to be a VERY judgy person. I’ve gotten much less so over the years- still need to work on it though!
This is an interesting exercise in changing your own perspective. If the pandemic taught me one thing, it is that I can be more judgy than I thought I was… just based on others’ behavior throughout the pandemic. I often felt people were not taking things as seriously as I was and it made me mad because they were the ones prolonging this whole thing for everyone else. I don’t think I was completely false in this assessment, but I do have to remember where people are coming from and might “assess” situations differently.
Good point, San- the pandemic definitely was a test for us! The anti-maskers vs. the maskers, and everyone blaming everyone else (and the politicians) for what was happening. It was definitely tempting to ally ourselves with one side or another.