Oof. It’s been a rough week around here in a lot of ways. Getting back on the school schedule has been tricky; we can’t seem to leave the house as early as I would like, which means the drive to school takes twice as long as it should due to terrible traffic.
And, guess what? Right away my daughter refused (in a continuation of last year’s crusade) to stand for the Pledge of Allegiance. This year it involves two teachers (they alternate odd and even days- so every other day either period 1 or period 2 is the first class, where they say the Pledge.)
One of the teachers has asked everyone to stand to avoid offending others, and my daughter still refuses. I mean… I get it. It’s hard right now to feel patriotic when Florida is going off the rails, with DeSantis’s assertions that there were some good things about slavery (check out this interesting video.)
I just wish we could have gotten through one week of school without conflict. My daughter is still in that phase where passion and principles are more important than other people’s feelings, and there are no gray areas. She will learn… I hope. Meanwhile I’m worried about how this will all play out.
Put that on top of all the other mundane concerns of life (will we ever decide on a backsplash? What if the one we choose looks stupid?) and I was walking around in a fog of worry. On Wednesday I decided to indulge in a little retail therapy. While I was in Home Goods browsing through Halloween Decor- a favorite pastime this time of year- I came across this notebook:
Yes. What IF it all works out? As a matter of fact, I recently had this conversation with my daughter. She was stressing about something relatively minor (involving her new class schedule) and I assured her it would all work out. She got annoyed with me: “You ALWAYS say that!” I said, “Yes, but think back. Has anything, ever, turned into a complete disaster? Or does it always work out in the end?” She tried hard, but couldn’t honestly come up with anything that had resulted in utter ruin. I rest my case!
Taking my own advice, we’ve chosen a backsplash. (Hint: it’s not any of the ones I’ve already shown here- ooh! Drama and Mystery!) We’ll have it installed and then I can STOP THINKING ABOUT IT. And it will be completely fine.
Would you consider yourself a worrier? Or do you usually feel confident that things will work out? – Usually I’m the latter- but I can get caught up in worry too.
Photo by Matt Walsh on Unsplash
40 Responses
I usually think things will work out and try to trust the process as they say. These last few months have been more challenging for me. Teens don’t have as much life experience to trust and they have so much emotions and hormones. Hope things settle down for you all and your school year. Looking forward to seeing your new kitchen design!
Ha, I’m looking forward to the new kitchen design as well! Not sure how long it will take to get the backsplash in.
I try to look at the situation with my daughter as a learning experience for her. That’s all I can do!
I do worry!! and yes, it usually does work out.
Often it does not. Divorce, cancelled flights, bad weather, careers, money, cancer, etc..
But you have to focus on the good each day…
Even things that temporarily “don’t work out” actually do work out in the end (divorce can lead to a better relationship down the line, etc.) But yes- there are some very dire situations where it will NOT all work out- but like you said, we’ll focus on the good.
LOVE that notebook. Such a good reminder that things almost always turn out okay, even if “okay” isn’t what you necessarily wanted or expected.
I am a HUGE worrier. I tend to catastrophize. My dad likes to ask me, “What’s the worst that could happen?” And usually, the worst is not THAT bad. Like with your backsplash: The absolute worst thing is that you hate it and you have to replace it at some point, which would be additional cost of time and money. But… that’s not HORRIBLE. No one will DIE. I am happy that you picked something out and are moving forward with it! And it will turn out okay!
What I wish for your daughter is that she has a supportive environment at school to test her boundaries and explore her own philosophies. It sounds like exactly what a kid should be doing — figuring out what matters and how to express it in a way that feels authentic without “hurting” anyone. I hope her teachers can help guide her through the best way to express her feelings.
That is a GREAT wish for my daughter- I’m wishing for that as well. And you’re right- the absolute worst case scenario with the backsplash really isn’t that bad, in the big scheme of things.
I am definitely a worrier and a pessimist. But I think I’ve made good progress on working through some of those thought spirals. I read years ago about an exercise where you just keep saying “So what.”
I’m late dropping my kid off to a birthday party. So what?
I’ll upset the parents? So what?
They might think I’m unorganized. So what?
I want everyone to like me? So what…
Maybe they won’t invite us to any more social engagements? So what.
Well…that’s okay, we have other friends.
I mean, it kinda breaks down over time (losing a job and not being able to make a mortgage payment is hard to say “so what” to, but when I remember this mental exercise, it helps me to keep things in perspective).
I love that notebook. And yay for picking a backsplash. You KNOW HOW I FEEL ABOUT DECISIONS, especially about renovation decisions, so I feel this so hard for you. I’ve found that I always (ALWAYS, ALWAYS regret/question my decision for the first week, and then I 100% live with it and feel fine with it). For example, we installed very inexpensive, thin trim in our new entryway. It was very cheap, but for about a week all I could think about was how we should have used nicer stuff. Now I never think about it. It’s fine! It’s baseboard. But at the time it felt like I’d made a catastrophic decision.
Hoping things even out soon. You’ve been through so many transitions lately: your son going back to university, some longish trips (Texas, your daughter to camp), a new working schedule, a kitchen reno, your daughter transitioning back to another school year and all the other things that come with life. You’re doing great, this too shall pass, and also I totally get it. Love how you’ve reframed things and sending hugs for a great weekend for your whole family!!
I totally agree- I’ll probably be noticing and questioning the new backsplash for a while, and then I’ll never think about it again. That’s what helped me make a decision- as long as we don’t do anything really strange, it doesn’t matter than much what we choose.
Oh and one more thing- I love the “so what?” exercise!
BEST NOTEBOOK/BEST INTERNET QUESTION EVER. Yes, what if it all works out?
Overall I feel that things will work out…but I lose my cool as much as the next person fretting over the details.
I’m biting my nails waiting to see the new backsplash! And keeping the same level of disinterest in ever doing anything with our kitchen so that I don’t have to make these decisions.
Ha ha, DON’T do anything with your kitchen unless it’s crumbling down around you! It’s such a huge pain. Of course when it’s all finished I’ll be ecstatic, though.
DON’T LEAVE ME HANGING ON THE BACKSPLASH, JENNY!
I am generally not a worrier but I’m feeling anxious right now about the forest fires that I can see from my window. It’s pretty stressful, to be honest, and I hope they can get it under control.
I was a very passionate and principled youth, and I feel as I’ve gotten older I have just learned that there are always multiple sides to every story, and that everything is pretty much grey. I think it’s the kind of thing that comes with age and experience. (I can’t say that without thinking of that Simpsons episode where Grandpa gets a job writing for Itchy and Scratchy, and the boss says “He has something your fancy Harvard degrees couldn’t buy – LIFE EXPERIENCE.” and then a young writer says “My thesis was on life experience.” If Conan O’Brien didn’t write that line, I don’t know what.)
Wow, how did I get on that topic? Anyway I think things generally work out for the best.
I’m naturally a worrier, but I try to think about the big picture. How will these impact my life in two days? Two weeks? Two months? Two YEARS? I mean, there are SOME things that will have long-term implications, but most things I’m worried about do not. And yet I do get myself into knots more often that I’d like to share with you.
Oh, your daughter sounds just like me when I was her age. I still am a tiny bit like this (I will stand for the Pledge/anthem, but I don’t say/sing them, I don’t close my eyes or bow at church, but I do sit/stand when everyone else does). It’s so hard with teens, though, isn’t it? The feelings are so strong and she’s got a defensible position, so…
When I look back, I was also like that. I was so stubborn, and would get myself into positions where it was impossible (I felt) to back down- that’s what I’m afraid of for her. But, you and I both survived our teen years, and she will too.
I was just talking today about the difference between stress and worry. I normally don’t stress about
things because I look at the bigger picture ( as long as everyone is healthy, everything is okay). It’s the “unhealthy” and elderly people in my family that I am constantly worried about, ( cus I know how that ends). But I just have to find joy in each day.
I felt much like you with your tile when I was picking out flooring. It took me months to decided. In the end, any one of them would have looked fine..lol.
Please tell your daughter to look at the big picture of what it means to be an American, instead of just the current political situations. Maybe she will have some grace and better understand why we say the pledge. It may take some time. I hope she has a good school year.
Yes- I agree. My husband is from Mexico which is a country with so, so, so many problems. So many! But you won’t find more patriotic people- DESPITE the country’s governmental shortcoming. My husband (a naturalized US citizen) is always so baffled by the people who won’t stand for the anthem. First, because in Mexico it would be unheard for someone to not stand and loudly sing the anthem. They are still proud to be Mexicans as a people, no matter what. Second, because he’s like… umm, do people not realize how amazingly good they have it in the U.S?!! Sure there are problems, of course, but overall we have it very very good here… we can bring your daughter with on our next trip to Mexico if she wants a little perspective!! 😜😜 just kidding. But travel really can be very eye opening. Good luck! That all sounds stressful. I hope you have a great weekend!
Thank you Kae, I’m sure you’d just LOVE to have my daughter along on your next family vacation! I agree, another perspective would be eye-opening for her. This is what I mean when I say everything is black and white for her- she can’t see the big picture right now. Hopefully that will change as she gets older.
I have TRIED!!! In so many ways, we’re lucky to be American. She only sees the negative things, which definitely bothers me. I can only hope she mellows with age.
Oof I hadn’t heard about this Desantis comment. OMG. What in the world. I hope that your daughter and the teachers can find a common ground on her decision about the pledge. It’s a tricky issue.
I am more of a worrier but it has gotten better as I’ve gotten older – and being on anti-anxiety meds has really helped. Prior to that I would worry excessively about things. It was so bad and impacted my sleep. I kept thinking it would get better when I changed jobs (I was in a horrible job) but then I changed jobs and life was great and I was still wracked with worry. Like if my boss said he wanted to call me, I feared that he was going to like fire me (I kind of have PTSD from past bad jobs – I’ve worked for some awful people!) Phil has been a good influence on me because he generally has a ‘this will work out’ attitude and calms me down. When I traveled with my friend, she told a story about a coworker telling her – ‘everything is figureoutable’. I really like that mantra so am going to keep that one in mind!
Yes- that is a good mantra and I’m going to start using it with my daughter!
I think some people are just hard-wired to be worriers, unfortunately. If you’re one of those people there’s only so much you can do to talk yourself out of it. Anti-anxiety meds are great in that situation.
Yes, DeSantis. Everything that comes out of his mouth is offensive!
I am a worrier but when I did my ultra, my friend Bernice’s mantra was “What if we CAN?” and it was great, to be honest! We just had to choose some kitchen and bathroom stuff and paint but I think we’ve done it …
Yes- “what if we CAN” is a close cousin to “what if it all works out?” I love it.
Oh, teenagers. Well, I’m not a parent. But I know about them. Hopefully the black-or-white attitude will calm down as she gains more life experience?
I’m definitely a worrier, way way too much. I always tend to see the absolutely worst scenario. Recently when I’ve received various bad news and more, I’ve tried to tell myself and remind myself “I’ll be ok. Everything will be ok and I will work it out. I always (well, mostly) do so why not now?” At least this thinking helps my mental health through hard times.
Yes, that’s a good way to think. Everything has always worked out in the past, there’s no reason why it won’t work out now.
I think that black-or-white attitude is definitely part of this age. At least I hope so- it wouldn’t be a good way to go through life.
I am definitely a glass-half-full kinda person and always trust that things will work out, but I can how it’s hard when you’re in the thick of something difficult.
I applause your daughter for being a bit of a rebel and refusing to stand for the Pledge of Allegiance. I know, sometimes it’s easier to “blend in” and not cause trouble, but to also stand up for what you believe in at a young age is not a bad trait 😉
I’m usually glass-half-full as well. Somehow when it comes to my kids I become a huge worrier though.
It’s really funny about my daughter- in some ways she’s totally afraid to stand out. Like if no one else is wearing shorts she doesn’t want to be wearing shorts, etc. But then she’s not afraid to make a big hullaballoo about standing for the pledge… well, I guess teenagers are unpredictable.
I’m sorry it’s been so stressful. We have been without living rooom curtains for over a year, and I can’t decide what to do about that – I now see why I would hire interior decorators – it’s not so much I want their house to look super nice, but rather, I just want to not have to make the decisions myself. I mean if I could hire someone and they said, “Let’s just make it all cream with X blinds,” I would say, “Great, do it!” But if I had to decide myself to make it cream with X blinds, it would feel like so much pressure. I’ve never been one of those people who had a sense of what things could look like.
I really admire your daughter. I was such a lemming when I was growing up. I think as a parent it’s easy to see how things can spin out negatively for a child – When my kid sneaks candy, I immediately think, “Okay what if she starts sneaking drugs?!?”, but I have to remind myself that maybe rather than coming down hard on her for sneaking candy, it’s better to have a good relationship with her so that when she does sneak drugs she’ll still tell me about it? I don’t know…
I do think my Husband wished I was more of a worrier sometimes – I definitely take the, “It will be okay”, laissez-faire tact of being okay to wait and see how things turn out. I mean it’s a very privileged position to be in- to know that I was born into a certain set of circumstances that things will mostly be fine as long as I don’t do anything stupid.
One of my favorite quotes is: “Everything will be okay in the end. And if it’s not okay, well, it’s not yet the end.”
Yes, I love that quote as well!!! I had forgotten about it. It was John Lennon, correct?
I know exactly what you mean. If someone else just made all the decisions and decorated my house, I would probably love it. But I’m also really bad at envisioning how things will look.
Yes, I do that too- I start imagining worse and worse scenarios, when in reality things will rarely be that bad. And I also agree that the most important thing right now is that I have a good relationship with my daughter, so she’ll continue to talk to me and tell me what’s going on.
I am a total worrier even if I also believe it will all work out — does that even make sense?
I hope the teachers don’t hassle your daughter too much. I’m not sure I buy their proposal that everyone stand so as not to offend anyone …. But I never had to say the pledge in school.
It’s funny how schools are all different. We said the pledge in elementary school but not middle or high school- I think? At least I don’t remember saying it as an older kid.
LOL. I am a catastrophist. No matter what happens, I have already imagined the worst case scenario and created seven plans to deal with that scenario. I am an aboslute asset to any zombie apocalypse prep team. That’s really all I have going for me at this point.
Ha ha- well, I’ll be seeking you out in event of zombie apocalypse!
I love this post and all the comments! I remember having very strong views in high school – I think many of them stayed but I learnt to listen to others better, to accept that we would not always agree, and to see the grey in between the black and white. But that came with age and experience. I’m like you – I tend to think things will work out, but I also sometimes get stuck in a cycle of worry. And when I’m worried, I free and don’t do anything about the situation. So when I start worrying, I have to consciously force myself to take some actions, any action to keep moving forward.
That’s exactly what I’m hoping will happen to my daughter- become more accepting and see the gray. Btw I was also very opinionated and stubborn when I was younger and I’d like to think I’ve mellowed, so there’s hope!
I have to say that I think it’s great your daughter is “sitting” for what she believes in. My first thought about the teacher is that they could have instead asked everyone to sit to not offend anyone, but they didn’t, and I can guarantee if they had, people would have refused and stood anyway and made a big thing out of it. What they really should do is let teens learn how to live in their values and be supportive of them. Great job raising a female in American society who is stong and brave in these types of situations.
Thank you Amanda! I appreciate the supportive words. I wish they did what my BIL’s school does, and just allow the kids to opt out. That would take the pressure off everyone.
Honestly, I don’t see anything wrong with your daughter choosing not to stand for the flag. It feels very… jingoistic that we force kids to stand with their hand over their heart, reciting the Pledge of Allegiance every morning. But then… when we become adults… we don’t do this EVER! (I can’t remember the last time I recited the Pledge…) It’s just an odd ritual, and I think it’s GREAT that your daughter feels so strongly about her beliefs here that she’s not willing to compromise. That’s not something I could do at her age!
Yes- luckily the pledge never comes up as an adult. I’m glad about that!
So interesting reading the different viewpoints on the pledge and your daughter’s choice. I admire her for having strong convictions at a relatively young age, although black-and-white thinking is pretty darn emblematic of the teen years. 🙂 And, I guess my other thought is, honestly, do the teachers really want to die on this mountain? I mean, there are things that are important and things that are not, and this falls right into my bucket of “things that are not”. But we are all different – and these teachers clearly have different points of view. I do hope it works out and that – if it escalates, which it should not – that the school recognizes that she’s an individual who is (gasp!) allowed to have her own opinion.
And oh, my goodness – so glad you made a decision on the backsplash! So glad I do not have to do the same! (Whew…) And can’t wait to see it!
The backsplash is going in TOMORROW! Finally! I can’t wait till it’s done.
It seems that the teachers have backed off- apparently the pledge was only important in the first week of school, and now no one cares. In light of this, I wish it hadn’t been an issue at all.