Hey, it’s Friday! Pour yourself a beverage in your favorite fall mug (wait- you do have one, right?) and join me.
Let’s talk about the weekend! Tonight is another high school football game, and I will be there. The last two weeks have been away games, so I’ve missed going. But you know what that means- it’s time for Homecoming! My daughter decided to go to the dance with a group of friends, and we started thinking about what she would wear. But let’s back up for a moment…
The high school concert band uniform is tuxes for the boys and long black dresses for girls. When my daughter was a freshman last year, she said she would prefer to wear a tux.
Now, I wasn’t entirely opposed to this, but I just preferred that she wear a dress… like all the other girls? I told her that whatever she decided to do was fine, but there’s a reason boys usually wear suits and girls usually wear dresses. Girls are more curvy, so dresses flatter them more. My daughter is very curvy, and I thought a tux would just make her look kind of big all over.
She decided to wear the dress, and I thought she looked lovely! Then I was telling my friend about how well I handled that situation, and she thought I was VERY WRONG. Why, she asked, did it matter how she looked? Why did I make that the most important thing?
Er- good question. When it was time for New Year’s, my daughter wanted to wear a suit to the party. I agreed immediately, and she actually looked kind of cute (not that it mattered!) Later I asked how she liked wearing the suit, and she said “I loved it. I felt really confident.” Okay then.
Back to Homecoming! My daughter said she wanted to wear a suit, and we got to work on her outfit (I was tasked with finding her some new pants, which was surprisingly hard.) Then yesterday she went to the mall to help her friend find a dress, and came home with… a dress, which she is now wearing to Homecoming.
You guys, I can’t keep up! Girls are so hard!!! Boys are so. much. easier.
Anyway, while my daughter is at the dance on Saturday night, my husband and I will be watching the Baylor game! I have a fun fall-themed dinner planned, with some new things to sample from Trader Joe’s.
One last thing- I’ve submitted my request for postponement of jury duty. Weirdly, the request had to be submitted in writing, and by that I mean I had to write a letter and mail it through the U.S. postal service. When was the last time you did that?
I was so confused. I couldn’t even really remember how to do it. When I printed out my letter, my husband looked at it and said “You didn’t leave room for your signature.” Oh yeah- I totally forgot. Then I had to find an envelope and a stamp, and take it to the mailbox… I mean, don’t we have more modern methods of communication nowadays? Anyway, I hope it gets there, and I hope I get my postponement (actually, I’m hoping they forget all about me, but if worst comes to worst I’ll take a postponement.)
That’s it for this week!
When was the last time you mailed a letter? I don’t mean a greeting card or postcard, but like an official letter?
Do you think I was wrong to encourage my daughter to wear a dress? How much does appearance matter?
What are your plans for the weekend?
Top photo by Aaron Burden on Unsplash
30 Responses
The whole appearance thing is a minefield. My daughter was applying for graduate positions last year with consulting firms, banks and big insurance companies and I encouraged her to wear her hair out and put a bit of makeup on because those companies all tend to have a look. I did feel icky about this because I think the kinds of attitudes that have certain expectations for women around appearance (makeup, heels, blowdried hair) that don’t apply to men should stop. I think she pretty much ignored me. She has a job now, which I think is probably a better fit for her (a smaller insurance firm where the interviewing was done in person by the person who would be her manager, not HR), and she wears her hair in a ponytail and no makeup.
Good for your daughter! I can’t imagine my daughter every applying for a corporate job, but you never know. You can’t deny that in certain situations, appearance really does matter.
I think it’s all about confidence. If she feels confident in a suit – great! And maybe that confidence means that when she went to the mall she had the confidence to find a dress that she loved. We all have different bodies and I think that it’s great that your daughter is feeling good in hers!
Yes, I loved it when she said “I felt confident.” And the dress she got is VERY form fitting- not something that I would wear, even when I was younger and could have pulled it off.
I think appearance related issues are complicated! It would be nice if we weren’t judged based on how we look but sadly, we often are. But I think as we get older we care about that less! I used to wear a lot of makeup, and I genuinely enjoyed the whole process of applying it, but in the past couple of years I basically just fill in my brows and wear mascara and feel just as confident, and it takes way less time. I think it’s great that your daughter found an outfit that she feels good in!
I forgot about that pepita salsa but it’s really tasty with the fall leaf chips they have at Trader Joe’s!
That’s an interesting topic Ashley- I agree that as I get older I care less about my appearance. BUT, you could also argue (correctly) that if anything I need makeup more now. It is definitely complicated.
Ha- those fall leaf chips are also making an appearance in tomorrow’s dinner!
Well, now that you mention it, the last time that I wrote an official letter for personal reasons was probably the last time that I asked to defer jury service. I’ve had to write a few pen and paper letters for work. You know what really knocks me for a loop? Having to write a check. That just feels so archaic.
I remember good things about the pepita salsa and I love the Pumpking ale. I don’t like most pumkin beers, but this is the exception where they got it right. The thing is that I only want 1-2 of those a year and I’m good, so I like getting it at TJs because they let you buy beer by the bottle.
You were 100% fine with the dress vs tux. She asked for your opinion and you gave it to her. You didn’t say “YOU MUST WEAR A DRESS WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU???????????”, you said that you prefer she wear a dress but it was up to her.
I don’t usually like pumpkin beers either, so yes it’s great that they let you buy individual bottles- I wouldn’t have bought a six pack.
We do write checks every once in a while- but then it’s a slight ordeal to actually find the checkbook. It does feel like a weird thing to do!
Your daughter seems comfortable telling you what she wants to do, so that’s a great plus for you and your relationship. You’re letting her take the lead with how she wants to present herself, which is lovely. Appearance seems to matter less in some ways for younger people and I am so happy to see that happen. For instance, styles that would once be considered appropriate only for very thin people are enjoyed by everyone. Our generation worked hard for body acceptance, and our kids get to experience that, thankfully!
You know… my kid is getting a name change and the court wanted me to present evidence that I had mailed another organization and I did not know how to do that!! The postal system is gift, but I don’t think I understand it :).
Yes, our kids definitely enjoy much more body acceptance than we did. And… how would you present evidence that you had mailed an organization… I wouldn’t know how to do that either. It seems really complicated. But I wouldn’t expect a name change to be simple.
Clothes are so hard. Having a teenage girl is so hard. Hard + hard = unwinnable situation. There is no right/wrong answer and I think as parents we bring our own biases – but also our own adult insights – to the table. That’s just the way it works. And yes we influence our kids for the better and for the worse, as we were influenced by our parents. But your daughter is also being influenced by others: pop stars (I don’t see anyone criticizing Taylor Swift for looking glamorous on stage), social media, her friends – etc. I think what I’m trying to say if you gave your opinion and your daughter ended up making her own decisions along the way which may, or may not, have been influenced by what you said.
Again. PARENTING is hard. Parenting a daughter – especially a headstrong daughter, which I know you and I both have – is even harder. We want to do it perfectly. We want to see them thrive. And we also want to stay sane as parents. We’ll get through this and our kids are going to be great.
Thank you Elisabeth!!! Those are some words of wisdom. You’re right- our insights are biased because a) we are adults and b) we bring our own influences into it. We don’t even know all the ways our kids are being influenced these days. But… yes, we will get through it.
I do not have a fall mug. Are you appalled? I don’t have any special mugs, though – only the matching mugs we have in our cupboards (which are pretty – they are fiestaware – half are yellow, half are red).
Ugh the clothes thing is tough. I don’t know how I would navigate that. Ultimately you want the child to feel good/confident. I think there is more openmindedness about what people “should” wear. In my case, it used to be expected that women would wear business suits when presenting. I HATE suits! I do not feel confident in suits! So I have switched to only wearing dresses, even when presenting like I did this past week!
I should have put a card for my niece’s birthday in the mail this week before leaving on my trip but I did not get to Target… so now it won’t go in the mail until Monday. Womp womp. I texted her on her bday yesterday and did not hear back so I am paranoid that she is disappointed not to get her card/money from me… In August she sent me a video with a bunch of screen shots of items on her wishlist which I was surprised by! I mean way to know what you want but it was kind of funny to get this curated video of wish list items…
Well, your niece will probably appreciate a belated card/present as well! And that’s funny that you DON’T feel confident in suits, while my daughter does… to each his own.
I mean, I write letters for my job pretty regularly? On letterhead? I don’t handwrite them or anything, but I do send them. AND I still write letters occasionally on fancy stationery. *shrug* It’s my deal.
This weekend should be chill. I have book club on Sunday night, so I have to figure out what dessert to bring, but hopefully Hannah and I can get to the dog park and just relax.
I know- I figured there are some people who write business letters all the time. I am definitely not one of them!
Mail a letter? I can’t remember. Everything is digital these days. Good luck.
I am so glad to have had two stepsons… and neither one cared about dances… Just computers… boring!! But they turned out ok… One is married with a daughter and the other is happily with another new girl friend.
Your daughter will be ok and may down the line thank you for your concern. You sound like a caring parent who wants the best for her.
Hmm. Right now I can’t picture my daughter thanking me at any point, but you never know! I’ll just assume that deep down inside she’s grateful.
I feel like I mail things still occasionally. Not sure the last time I’ve had to “write a letter” exactly but I have had like forms and things I’ve had to mail back. And I send Christmas cards, so I address and stamp those. But I agree, definitely not something we’re doing often lately!
And the clothing thing… that’s hard! I don’t know what I’d do exactly. I’m trying to think what I would say/how I would respond if one of my boys said they wanted to wear a dress to Homecoming. I am basically 100% sure that neither of them would want to do that, so I guess it’s a nonissue right now, but definitely good food for thought! I guess I feel like…if it were a true identity difference type of situation, that would be one thing. But if he just wanted to wear a dress to essentially be a rebel rouser and make a “scene” or something, I might feel differently? I don’t know. But neither of my boys are even remotely “rebel rousers”. 😆 (neither particularly likes to be center of attention at all!).
Actually that’s a great point Kae. I wasn’t really sure of my daughter’s motivation in wanting to wear a tux for the band concerts. Part of it might have been her just wanting to stir things up, and I wasn’t on board with that.
I think you made a mistake by worrying about your daughters looks over her comfort, as your friend said. I think I would have made the exact same mistake, and it wouldn’t really have occurred to me that that is what I was doing. We want our daughters to be confident and feel good in their skin, and I think we sometimes get that wrong, thinking that what is more flattering (in our minds) is what is going to get them there. Your mistake was made out of love, and now your daughter has the confidence to wear a suit OR a dress, and knows she will look and feel good either way.
My BFF was in the air force, and I remember her wanting to wear slacks instead of a skirt for her uniform (this was in the 90s). Her husband, also air force, said he thought women should wear skirts, because they were more flattering and looked better. She had the same reaction – why does it matter HOW I look, as long as I look professional and put together. That was the first time that thought occurred to me.
I wore a tux to my senior prom! If you want to see a picture with my bad perm, I wrote about it back in 2007, here: https://jellyjules.com/what-about-prom/
I like going back and seeing comments from my mom. 🙂 (Maya’s Granny)
HA! I did go back and look at that post- you look amazing!!! And I think that story about your BFF in the air force makes it very clear that we shouldn’t be wearing certain things because of how flattering it is.
I pay a few bills by mail, does that count? Otherwise I mostly use USPS for greeting cards.
I hope your daughter had a good time at homecoming!
She did, Coco! And I think she had a good time wearing the dress. Now I’m wondering what will happen for the next occasion…
I think your heart was in the right place, Jenny, but I don’t think encouraging her to wear a dress because a suit would make her look “big” is a great reason. :/ It’s okay if it does! If that’s what makes her feel confident and happy, then that’s what she should wear. It shouldn’t matter if it makes her look big. It should only matter how she feels.
I know. Why is “big” bad? Honestly, she put me in my place when she said wearing a suit made her feel “confident.” I’m going to try and get a chance to revisit that conversation with her so I can correct myself.
You know I have thoughts on performing gender, but I think the fact that now, a year later, you can have the conversation shows that it’ s in a good place even if the original no might have been off (who says women look better in dresses? It probably wasn’t a woman. And I say that as one who happens to prefer dresses.
Oh teenagers, they change their minds all the time LOL (I wore a suit to my graduation btw – I think I just wanted to be different but was also encouraged to wear a dress at first… I think it’s normal to think girls want to wear dresses. Most girls do. I am glad you let her do her thing – that’s all that matters).
OMG GIRLS. SO HARD. Dorothy has a friend group who texts every night to plan their clothes and OMFG. I am not going to, like, TRIPLE her wardrobe so she can be part of a triplet everyday.