Take Nothing Personally
Hello and welcome to… Thursday. Seriously, it’s Thursday again? I wrote about my issues with Thursdays in this post, where I determined not to wish the day away, and this one, where I was reminded that it’s important to have a sense of humor. This week, I’ve been thinking about my number one coping strategy for life. In order to explain how I got to this point, I have to tell you about my dad. I know people often complain about their parents, but my dad was truly one of the most difficult people in the world. He was hard to communicate with, said all sorts of weird and inappropriate things, and would unexpectedly become angry and defensive. A “conversation” with my dad was more like a lecture- he could tell you all about Charlie Parker or Abraham Lincoln- or an interview. If he saw me with a book (which I avoided as much as possible, trying to slink around with my books unnoticed) he would ask for the title, the main character, the plot and- my favorite- the theme of the book. If the book was on the lighter side, he would suggest that I read something more challenging. Here’s an example of an inappropriate comment. I was in my early twenties and had just broken up with a boyfriend. My dad said “I just can’t believe you broke up with Andy!” I asked why he was so surprised and he said “Well, I always thought Andy would break up with you!” OH? And why is that? His response: “Because Andy was so good looking.” I mean… who says that? Out loud? To their daughter? Another time I told him what I had decided on for a career and he said “Oh well… you can always get married.” I could go on and on, but you get the idea. As you can imagine, I grew up with a lot of anger towards him. And guilt. It was confusing- every book and movie seemed to show loving father-daughter relationships. Even when daughters were fighting with their dads, it still seemed like they were communicating in a way that my dad and I just couldn’t. Every once in a while I would try to get past our adversarial relationship and have a real heart-to-heart talk with him, but the only way I can explain it is, if the line of communication was like a chain between us, there was a link mysteriously missing. This went on for almost his whole life. Then one day, when my dad was in his eighties, I read an article about someone with Asperger’s Syndrome. This person sounded almost identical to my dad, and I literally felt a chill going down my spine. Suddenly all the pieces fell into place. Of course my dad would never have known he had Asperger’s, because it wasn’t a diagnosed condition until he was well into his adult years. But it was clear to me that’s what he had, and I realized how frustrating his life must have been, how he must have struggled with all his relationships, and wondered why everyone always got so angry with him. Most importantly, I realized that none of his “terrible” comments ever had anything to do with me at all- it had always been about him, and his inability to communicate properly. There was nothing for me to be angry about, because he truly couldn’t help it. From that day on, I felt like I was living in a parallel reality. My dad would say something strange to me, and I could imagine my old reaction, what I would have said back and how it would turn out, but I could also see things in this completely new light, where he was doing his best with the limitations he had. Since I didn’t take it personally, I didn’t get angry, and when I stopped being angry with him, he became less antagonistic towards me as well. I only had my dad for one more year after that, but for that year we were the closest we had ever been. We weren’t truly close- there was still that missing link in the chain that was never going to change- but the way I would describe it is, it felt like we were on the same team for the first time, instead of fighting against each other. If I could navigate through one of the most difficult relationships imaginable to a satisfying outcome, I feel like I can handle anything that my boss, co-workers, or challenging clients can throw my way. The truth is that nothing is personal against us- other people are all grappling with their own issues, and whatever they say to us is all about them. Life is so much easier when you realize that. Julie Piatt once said, “The most difficult relationship of your life is also the most important.” From my dad, I learned to take nothing personally. After all the years of arguing, anger, and hurt feelings, my dad would be astonished- and pleased, I’m pretty sure- if he knew that my relationship with him was the most important, in the end. Do you have a difficult person in your life? Which relationship do you think is your most important one?
A Vegan Thanksgiving
Welcome to Day 17 of NaBloPoMo! It’s also Wednesday, one of my favorite days of the week. Tuesday-Wednesday is like my weekend because I have those days off. This “weekend” I have a LOT TO DO! My son comes home from college on Saturday- he’s a freshman and this will be his first time home since school started. I asked him what food he would like while he’s home and he listed pumpkin baked ziti, spaghetti, deep dish pizza, tacos for lunch one day- I love how he even included lunch requests- and oh yes- I also have to cook an entire Thanksgiving dinner! Wait just a minute! (you may be saying.) We thought you were vegan! What business does a VEGAN have celebrating Thanksgiving??? Ha ha… well, the fourth Thursday in November is not “Turkey Day,” around here, it’s Thanksgiving, and we eat lots and lots of delicious food. We make cornbread stuffing, a radicchio-pear salad, fluffy rolls, (YUM) mashed potatoes with a potato chip crumble topping (YUM, obviously) a vegetable crescent roll ring,, and then at the bottom is a Field Roast plant-based roast. That roast was actually the low point of the dinner- everything else was so homemade and delicious, and it tasted like a processed piece of old rubber. This year, we’ve ordered a “holiday box” from The Very Good Butchers, a plant based “meat” company. The box- if it arrives on time- will include a stuffed “beast”, sausages, bacon, and snacking pepperoni.- all made out of chickpeas, vegetables, wheat gluten, and other plants. I’m excited to try this, although I’m not convinced it will arrive by Thanksgiving. Fingers crossed- and there’s always a plan B if it doesn’t. The crescent roll ring is supposed to look like this: My version is very, very delicious, but there’s a balsamic glaze on top and mine always gets too thick and kind of glops on. Every year I think maybe it will be the year I’ll get the glaze right… still hoping. And don’t think we vegans are skipping dessert! Noooooooo… So now you’re thinking “Oh, she obviously has ten or twelve people over for Thanksgiving dinner.” No! It’s just the four of us. Yes, four people who really love pie. Last year we had a cranberry-apple pie and two pumpkin pies. Two, because I don’t eat sugar. One of the pumpkin pies is sugar-free. Yes, I have a whole pie to myself, muahahahahahaha. As you can see, I’m not a chef. Or a food photographer. But I try! The kids help me with the pies, and my husband and son are in charge of the potatoes and salad. We really love our Thanksgiving dinner! Well, I’m off to make lists and shop. Are you cooking a Thanksgiving dinner? Canadian friends… Did you have a nice Thanksgiving? What are your traditional Thanksgiving foods?
5 Things I’m Wondering About My Next 5K
Hello! Welcome to Day 16 of NaBloPoMo. Please slow down, November- I don’t want you to go by so fast! Before we know it, it will be Thanksgiving… and time for the Turkey Trot! Yay! Between the pandemic and various injuries, I haven’t run a race in two years. I’ll be running the Turkey Trot on Thanksgiving morning, and while I’m excited, I’m also wondering a few things… 1. I’m wondering, what is the meaning of this email? Why does it say the race is on WEDNESDAY??? We’ve run this race many times, and it’s always on Thanksgiving Day, the way a Turkey Trot is supposed to be! My husband and I did a little sleuthing, and confirmed that yes, the race is on Thanksgiving as always. Not sure why they sent this… maybe just wanted to see if we were paying attention. 2. I’m wondering what my pace will be. Oh God. It’s going to be painful. Not running the race, but seeing my time. It has the potential to be my slowest 5K ever, possibly only rivaled by the race I ran while pregnant with my son. After a year and a half of dealing with my foot, I just can’t get any speed going. I’m resigned to the fact that I’ll check my ego at the door, and enjoy being out there. Last year I couldn’t run it (because of my foot) and running a slow race won’t be as painful as sitting home was. I’ll just embrace the “trot” part of “Turkey Trot.” 3. I’m wondering what the weather will be like. Like every runner before a race, I’m wondering about the weather. November is a transitional month for us- it could be cool and beautiful, or it could be warm and humid. Let’s just have a look ahead… 55 degrees would be incredible. I could even run a little faster and salvage a little of my pride. 72 would not be as ideal. All I can do is wait, and hope. 4. I wonder what I’ll wear. Every year I threaten to wear some sort of Tofurkey hat, or a tofu costume or something. Just to balance out all the Turkey apparel we’ll be seeing. Strangely, they don’t sell such items so I would have to make it myself. The problem is, I’m not that crafty. But can you imagine me running dressed as a big block of tofu? Here’s what a quick google search turned up: There’s also this: It’s probably too late to get the shirt in time. Well, if I run in a tofu costume I’ll have an excuse for running slowly, right? Ha ha… we’ll see. 5. I wonder if anyone will be wearing masks. Florida is so weird. Twice during the pandemic we had the highest number of Covid cases in the country, and now we have the lowest (probably because everyone’s already had it.) People are still arguing over masks, and whether or not there’s really a pandemic (I know.) I don’t expect to see many masks at the race, and that’s okay. We’ll be outside. Our family has been vaccinated, and then I feel like my husband kind of Covid-proofed our house this summer by getting Covid (after he had been vaccinated) and exposing us all to it. I’m not too worried. Are you running a Turkey Trot? Do you ever run in a costume?
The Last Time…
Guess what? We’re halfway through NaBloPoMo, which means we’re halfway through November. I’m a little sad about that- November is one of my favorite months. I don’t want it to fly by too fast, but somehow it always does. Last week when I wrote about running the New York City Marathon, I was disappointed that I didn’t have any pictures of the day, from either of the times I ran it. It was the 1990s so we didn’t have cell phones. I remember people carrying disposable cameras to take pictures, but that never occurred to me. I probably thought I would be running it again, many times. I didn’t know that I would move away from New York or that it would become much harder to get into that marathon. I don’t know this for sure, but 1996 was probably the last time I’ll run the NYC Marathon. Had I known it then, I would have soaked in the experience more. Maybe I would have been one of the people with a disposable camera. In this article, David Cain examines a simple truth: You always know when you’re doing something for the first time, and you almost never know when you’re doing something for the last time. Everything you do, you will eventually do for the last time. If you knew it was the last time, you would undoubtably appreciate it so much more. You wouldn’t get distracted, think about something else, or get annoyed about silly things. You would be fully present and aware of every single moment. He gives the example of picking up your child for the last time- every parent, without knowing it at the time, picks up their child and puts him down for the final time. When I read that I longed to pick up my kids again! Is it really over? David suggests taking simple, mundane moments and behaving as if you’re doing them for the last time. Not in a depressing way, as in “If I get in a terrible car accident I’ll never be able to mow the lawn again!” but more of an exercise to become aware of how precious these activities really are. I did it the other day when I drove my daughter home from school. It’s a neutral activity, meaning that I don’t love it or hate it. It’s okay. I wait in the parking lot of a Publix across the street from the school, and she and a large group of kids all walk across the street (this way I avoid the car line.) As I sat there, I watched all the kids enter the parking lot, in groups or alone- I looked at what they were wearing, whether they were laughing or serious, how their parents greeted them. Then I saw my daughter walk into the lot, look around for my car and walk toward me. It was a bittersweet moment, because I’m acutely aware that there will eventually be a last day that I pick her up from school. She’ll grow up, life will go on, and I’ll look back longingly to the days where I drove her home. But there will also be a last time I wash the dishes, or feed the cats, or turn off the TV. These moments might not seem as poignant as driving my daughter home from school, but consider that they’re also finite, Occasionally imagine that you’re doing some of these everyday activities for the last time, and see how much you find to appreciate in them. If you like this idea, you can read more of David Cain’s articles on raptitude.com. a blog about “getting better at being human.” He writes about gratitude and being present, but not in an abstract way. He suggests exercises- like this one- that will give you a deeper appreciation for the moments of your life. Can you think of a moment when you knew you were doing something for the last time? Is there anything you look back on and think, “I wish I had known that was the last time!”