Brr, it was cold for my run today! 45 degrees and windy meant that I wore long sleeves, hat and gloves. The above picture shows a bundled-up Florida runner in January.
But there’s another photo of myself that I want to talk about today:
Look at that forward lean! Hey, my arm looks pretty muscular! BUT WAIT. What in the world is all that… lumpiness… on my left leg???
When I first looked at this photo I though “I can’t put this on the blog- my leg looks terrible!” But here it is, and the reason why I’m posting it is that I want to talk about body neutrality.
From the age of ten onward, I struggled with body image. I developed early, got my period when I was eleven, and I had curves when other girls were still small and boyish. I interpreted this new shape of my body as “fat,” and I was also tall for my age, which made me feel big compared to other people. Furthermore, the natural proportions of my body are a longer torso and shorter legs- when I compared my legs to girls with long, skinny legs, I saw my legs as fat.
I want to point out that I was never overweight, and nobody ever told me I was overweight. I was just uncomfortable in my body, and without knowing what else to do I thought I could re-shape it with diet and exercise.
This was in the late 1970s and 1980s, and Jane Fonda workouts were big. I did Jane Fonda ALL THE TIME. Jane had the best of intentions, but her goal was to improve the look of your body. The subtext to that is, your body does not look good as it is. Workouts like that are a punishment for not having a perfect body to begin with. I did all of them- the Original, the Advanced, Jane Fonda Complete Workout, the Workout Challenge…. my teenage years were full of Jane Fonda.
I started running in the summer between my junior and senior year of high school. I’m sure a large part of it was that I thought it would help me lose weight, but there was also just something about running that appealed to me in a way I couldn’t explain. When I would hear other people talk about running I would think, I want to do that!
I ran throughout that summer and then through my senior year of high school, and I’ve been running ever since- barring time off for injuries. But this isn’t a love letter to running- that’s a subject for a different post. What running did was let me experience moving my body for the sheer joy of it- without any ulterior motive, like to make my butt smaller- for the first time. It was the start of a journey toward body neutrality, and that journey took many, many years.
A large part of it was running, part of it was having children, part of it was shifting the mindset of my workouts to building strength rather than hoping to change the way I look, and I’m sure a part of it was just becoming more mature. But at the age of 54, this is what body neutrality means to me:
After decades of fighting to change, accept, stop criticizing- even to accurately understand what my body really looks like- I realized that I could simply walk away from the battle. I didn’t WIN, as in, I didn’t banish the negative thoughts forever and I don’t go around thinking how amazing my body looks. I just don’t think about it anymore, and it’s a tremendous relief.
So am I saying I don’t care? Well, no. I do care a little, and I cared when I saw the cellulite on my legs in that picture. I wish my legs looked like Shalane Flanagan’s, in the same way that I wish I had a million dollars. I wish for a lot of things, like that my mom were still alive. But none of these things impact the way I live my life, or diminish my joy in it. I don’t waste time fighting tremendous battles in my mind over them. They’re just fleeting notions, and I’m too busy experiencing life to attach too much importance to them.
I know body image is a tricky subject for so many people. I would be interested to hear how people feel about body positivity/negativity/neutrality. Any thoughts?
23 Responses
Love this post. I have so many race pics where I gasp at the skin hanging from my upper arms and the cellulite on my thighs.
Of course I care. But mostly it’s an age thing and I won’t get plastic surgery so I need to get over it.
If it bothers someone, clothing can do wonders. That’s why I don’t wear tights and short shorts. Skirts hide things. But at times, I wear a skirt and because it’s more comfortable, I don’t care if my wobbly thighs show.
I do wish that it didn’t bother me. I see many runners’ photos that are not flattering. They don’t care. I say Kudos to them!
Hi Darlene- yes, clothing can do wonders, unless you’re running in Florida in the summer!!!!! I gave up on trying to cover anything up and just run in shorts and a sports bra- it’s too hot for anything else!
Great post, Jenny! I’m also tall (5’9), and I think I was still growing when all my friends had stopped. I hated being so tall when I was younger; now I’m happy with it . Well, if I was a couple inches shorter, I’d be able to wear heels without ducking through every doorway)… but I have adapted 🙂
Funny thing, Kim- my daughter is an average height but she’s hoping to be really tall, like at least 6 feet. WHY IN THE WORLD?… She keeps asking me if I think she’s grown any lately. It just goes to show you… we all want what we don’t have. And how silly to let it make us unhappy when we have no control over these things!
This is such an awesome post! I think that it’s just human nature to care about our appearance, but I have noticed that body issues I cared about in my 20s no longer bother me. I still have my days when I cringe at certain photos, but I always try to keep in my mind that I’m lucky to be able to move my body and exercise as some people unfortunately do not have that option.
Yes, if we focus on what are bodies can do and how lucky we are to have that, it really helps a lot.
Well articulated, Jenny! I was the exact opposite: I was far behind all the other girls and small and boyish for a long time.
Now at nearly 53, I’d like to think that I’m neutral about my body, but I could be better at it. Stop weighing myself every day would be a good start! 😄
I think getting older and wiser definitely helps! If I weighed myself every day I would go berserk, but everyone’s different and it works for some people. Funny, when I read that you were “small and boyish” I felt a little pang of envy! Ha ha… it never really ends, does it?
Great post. We are our own worst critic. Other people see your photo and wish they looked that fit/strong. Personally, I have spent way too much time on zoom over the pandemic and end the day thinking about how chubby my face is. It’s not healthy, but its definitely hard not to do it….But I also try to focus more on how my body allows me to run 50+ miles a week and that I enjoy and love food (and that’s not going to change!) Life is so short to obsess about looking perfect.
Side-note- As a Minnesotan, I have to chuckle about freezing on a 45 degree run 🙂 Ha!
Yes, that is so true. And people probably look at your photo and think “what a pretty face! And she’s so photogenic!” I do think that spending all this time on zoom is not good- in normal circumstances when we speak to people we’re not so aware of what we look like.
Focusing on what we can do really makes a huge difference- if you gave me the choice of having a perfect body (whatever that is) OR being able to run 50 miles a week, I’d pick the running any time.
I know- 45 is balmy for you.
I came to running for the weight loss but stayed for the awesomeness;-) I’ve been posting treadmill selfies on IG lately, and I always have to laugh at all of the “cellulite” outtakes. Some day I’ll post of one of them.
Ha ha… yep, I bet we all have those outtakes!
I think I was in my 30s before I finally realized I couldn’t diet away my bulky, muscular thighs. It was then that I started to appreciate what my body could do vs how it looked. That’s one of the things I love about running.. The clock is objective. I grew up as a competitive figure skater and back then much of the scoring was subjective so how could you not think part of your score was based on how you looked.
When I’m feeling critical of myself I think about what my future 90 yr old self would think about me wasting time picking apart my body. She’d want me to make the most of who I am and what I have TODAY.
That’s a really good point about running being 100% objective. How your body looks has absolutely no bearing on the outcome of any race. It must have been difficult competing in a sport where looks played a role.
I love the idea of thinking what your 90 year old self would say. Not only would she not want you to waste time on those thoughts, but she would probably also say “Look how great my body was back then- I could do anything!”
This is a great post and maybe one day we can chat about it in person. I spent 30 years agonizing over my body and constantly trying to make it into some ideal thing. (whatever that was) I ended up getting my masters in social work and specializing in eating disorders and body image. That training helped me a lot w my own issues. It took me decades to enjoy running and strength training for the pure joy of how it made my body feel not as a means to lose weight. Thanks for sharing your thoughts
Sounds like we have a similar history, Deborah. Getting that specialized training is an incredible thing because hopefully that knowledge combined with your own experiences allows you to help others. I hate to think of young girls and women going through what I went though!
I love this post! There are so many pictures where I do not like the way my body looks. I just posted one on Instagram and saw a little overhang in my belly area as I was doing a pull up. I almost didn’t post it but then I did because I was focusing on my strength in being able to complete said pull up and not the way my body looks when I’m straining to do a tough move! We all have days we feel like that but it’s important to use positive thoughts and words- we are our own worst critics and you never know, you may be inspiring someone!
It’s a tough balance- obviously if we’re posting photos on blogs or instagram it’s a visual thing and we can’t help but be aware of it. Focusing on strength helps a lot. I think it’s probably a work in progress for most of us.
Great post! I hadn’t heard of body neutrality but it’s a good concept I can understand. I developed early but am short so every extra ounce shows up, but I am strong and my one leg longer than the other hasn’t affected my life as much as I feared. I’m at a point where I’m happy I have a body that’s alive and can run, to be honest. What I did used to hate was looking so young – we all do, my grandma at 100 looked about 80. Have EMBRACED that as I’ve aged!!
Ha ha… funny the things we don’t like about ourselves! I want to look 80 when I’m 100!
Great post, Jenny! Sadly, I think most women go through this at some point during their lives. Hopefully, they learn to appreciate their bodies for what they’re able to accomplish.
I think it gets easier as we get older. But I wish so many young women didn’t have to go through it.