I’m currently reading The Casual Vacancy by J.K. Rowling. I’m going to talk more about the book in a future post, but as I was reading yesterday one passage leapt out at me: (side note- this book is not about body image at all- this is just a little side rumination of Tessa’s as she’s flipping through a magazine.)
“She read the captions to a series of photographs showing a footballer’s wife in all the different outfits she had worn over the previous five days. Studying the woman’s long thin legs, Tessa wondered how different her life would have been if she had had legs like that. She could not help but suspect that it would have been almost entirely different. Tessa’s legs were thick, shapeless and short; she would have hidden them perpetually in boots, only it was difficult to find many that would zip up over her calves. She remembered telling a sturdy little girl in guidance that looks did not matter, that personality was much more important. What rubbish we tell children, thought Tessa, turning the page of her magazine.”
Your first thought might be, “Don’t be ridiculous! The shape of your legs can’t change your whole life.” But let’s think about that. The woman in the magazine article wouldn’t be there- and wouldn’t have the career that she does- if her legs were “thick, shapeless and short” like Tesssa’s. Wouldn’t it follow that Tessa’s life would also be different if her legs were long and lean?
Let’s rewind to my 11-year-old self. I developed early and was tall for my age. I wasn’t overweight, but I was curvier than most girls, and I was taller than most of the boys. I felt big and awkward, and was uncomfortable with my body.
Furthermore, although I was tall, I had a long torso and shorter legs. I admired the girls who had long, skinny legs, and what I didn’t understand was, that was a body type they were born with, just as I was born with my longer torso. I thought that through diet and exercise I could mold my body into the shape I wanted.
From sixth grade on, I alternated with starving myself and then binge eating (when my body demanded some nutrition) while obsessively doing Jane Fonda workouts. Leg lifts! Glute bridges! Crunches! If I worked hard enough, I could have a body like Jane’s… right?
I didn’t yet understand that the basic body shape you’re born with is permanent. You can definitely make the most of it, but you can’t remodel it into someone else’s body. I was well into adulthood before I finally understood that.
I remember a conversation I had with my boyfriend when I was in my mid-twenties. He asked me what I would want if I could have any one wish granted, and my reply was “a perfect body.” He said, “Really? What about world peace?” I replied “Ummm… no, I’ll take a perfect body.”
Yes, I actually said that. We laughed about it, and of course I hope that if I were actually presented with those two options, I would choose world peace (although we’ll never really know, will we???)
Why in the world was the shape of my body so important to me? I was healthy, I was running, I wasn’t in pain. For some reason the way my body looked was more important than what it could do.
Fast forward to present day. My thirteen-year-old daughter is grappling with her own issue, which, ironically, is that she thinks she’s too SHORT. I ended up at 5’7″, my husband and son are both 6″5″, but my daughter apparently got some rogue gene, because she’s 5’1″ and unlikely to grow much taller. (Oh, how I would have loved to be 5’1″ in middle school!)
I’ve explained to her that everyone has their own unique shape, and we all have to make the most of what we have. And I told her something that she probably doesn’t believe right now- that there will come a time in her life when she won’t care how tall she is. At some point, it just doesn’t matter anymore. All those things I was so unhappy about for so many years are things I never think about anymore.
So it all has a happy ending… but what about the original question. What if I had been blessed with a “perfect” body- average height, long legs, flat stomach- all those things I longed for. Would my entire life have been different?
Possibly. Who knows what interests and hobbies I might have had if I hadn’t wasted so much time thinking about food, weight, and exercise? I might have had more self confidence and related to people in a different way. I might have a completely different career. Or, if I hadn’t obsessed over my body, maybe I would have obsessed over something else, like the shape of my nose, or the color of my hair. If I hadn’t been so focused on exercise I might not have started running! My life probably would have been different… but not necessarily better.
What about you? Did you (or do you now) have body issues? Has it ever seemed that the way your body looks is way too important? Do you think your life would have been different if you had a different body?
I’m linking up with Jenn, Darlene, Michelle, Renee and Zenaida for Fit Five Friday- thanks for hosting, ladies!
28 Responses
I could write a book about this-I spent many decades feeling exactly how you did. So much so that I ended up getting my degree and specializing in treating eating disorders. Fast forward to now, I wish I could say I don’t care what my body looks like but that would be a lie. I am however, now focused on what my body can do and we are in a happier relationship now. A chat for in person one of these years when we meet for sure!
That’s funny Deborah because I would have thought you were the last person to feel like this- honestly your body looks perfect to me. Just goes to show how much of it is in our own minds. Yes, an in-person chat someday for sure!
Yup, we add want what we don’t have.
I was too skinny and had short legs and no boobs. Definitely made me unhappy in middle school and high school. Appearance was very important back then.
I don’t think any of that affected my current life. And now I am very happy to be thin and eat what I want (for the most part.)
As an adult, I wish I had longer legs so pants would fit better. I wish I did not have grey hair so I wouldn’t have to spend money dying it…
As we age, we all want to look younger and it’s TV and social media that make us feel that way. It’s hard to ignore.
In the end, looks do not matter if you are not healthy enough to enjoy life.
That’s completely true Darlene, and I think we appreciate our health more and more as we get older. Maybe that’s one reason why appearance matters less. Oh, and you did bring up a good point-pretty much the only time I’m dissatisfied with my body is when I’m clothes shopping and they don’t fit well. Hrumph!
Attractive people get paid more, are considered for more jobs, and are more outgoing and social than unattractive people. It seems incredibly naïve for anyone to assume that their appearance hasn’t changed their life in one way or another. I absolutely imagine that if I had been more attractive, I would not have retreated to books and school and would probably be in a different place than I am today. That being said, I’m quite happy with my family and my home and wouldn’t change that for better looks. 🙂 I would, however, definitely be on board with making more money.
In general, I don’t have too many body issues, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t think some things would change in my life if I could just lose those last fifteen pounds. But I’m healthy and people don’t stare at me when they see me, so I guess it’s all good for me.
(This is not my story. Freshman year of college I met a woman who was a sorority legacy. She rushed, but wasn’t chosen for any sorority. She was not conventionally attractive and she was really shy, but once she opened up to you, she was absolutely wonderful. I lost touch with her after freshman year, but I always wondered what happened to her. She was so defeated by the whole sorority experience and I know her life would have been different if she’d been more conventionally pretty.)
Yes, well put. And we agree- life would be different, but probably not better. That poor girl from college! Now I want to know whatever happened to her. Hopefully she’s living a happy life and feeling good about herself.
I could write volumes about body issues. I am your daughter’s height, but that wasn’t really my issue when I was her age. A lot of my friends were very tall — I neve really think about it when I’m with them, not until I see the photos. Just like you usually can’t find me at the beginning of a race because I am completely swallowed up by the normal sized people!
I wasn’t heavy as a tween, but I did become heavy as a teen. It wasn’t a great time to be a curvy girl in a world that idolized Twiggy, either. I spent decades yo-yo dieting — never starving myself (except before my wedding!), and I actually believe that a lot of my saggy skin now is from those years.
However, I also did the mental work for many decades, too. Are there things I would change about my body if I could? Of course! Most of the time I do appreciate it for what it can do, but I’m like anyone, sometimes I look in the mirror — or the video, LOL — and there are things that bother me.
Weight will allows be an issue, even though I’ve stayed relatively steady at a mostly healthy weight for quite some time now. But circling back to that height — I have friends who have a much easier time losing weight which is partially due to their height. It shows up more quickly when you’re short and it’s harder to lose when you’re short, too, unless you have a really good metabolism. And being short means that I’ve had to literally climb up shelves in grocery stores!
We all have our “thing”. It varies from person to person. Others who don’t struggle with the same thing will minimize your struggles, but they have their own struggles. Hopefully with age we gain some wisdom about our “thing” — otherwise, we continue to suffer.
Yes- we all have our struggles. Supposedly supermodels have things they hate about their bodies too. I’m just wondering what life would be like if there wasn’t an “ideal” body type, and everyone who doesn’t fit into it is “wrong.” Why is it so important for everyone to look the same? There’s something wrong with this whole concept. It is a relief to get older and focus more on health, although we definitely carry the experiences of our youth with us.
Um. Yes. I went on a diet for the first time when I was about 11. That is how old my daughter currently is.
This topic is near and dear to my heart in so many hard ways. As much progress as I’ve made over the years, all I wanted to do today was eat (because I’m PMSing and also almost NEVER feel full or satisfied), and my pants felt tight and it feels a bit shameful how many times today (maybe dozen’s) I thought about my weight and food and wishing I could just eat everything I wanted without huge increases on the scale (I’m quite short and have low metabolism). I eat very healthfully, but I swear I can look at an apple and gain 5 lbs. And it is demoralizing and such a frustrating part of my daily life.
I also 100% agree that having a different body type can really impact your life forever. I was introverted as a teen because I was very overweight. I became bookish and those traits have stuck around even as I’ve become slimmer.
I know I will have to be mindful of my weight forever simply because I have inherited some underlying health conditions that are best held in check by regular exercise and diet.
I would also have answered “a perfect” body as a teen over “world peace.” . Though, like I blogged about recently, what is “perfect?” Some people want to be tall and thin, others curvy. I have wavy hair and have ALWAYS wished I had stick straight hair…but have friends with stick-straight hair that wish they had waves. And it boggles my mind how people thinner than me worry about their shape size. I always think they look amazing, and know other people think the same of my body. We’re just hard-wired to hone in our own “flaws,” sadly.
I guess what is hardest for me is how much mental headspace weight/food take up in my life. I’ve done so much work and have really improved my relationship with food over the years, but it’s still…really hard.
Yes, it takes up way too much of my mental headspace as well. Even though I’m resigned to my body shape (more or less) I think about food way too much. Someday we should talk about what we do to NOT pass any of this along to our daughters! I don’t think I’ve ever once, not one single time, said anything negative about my body in front of my daughter. I avoid talking about how our bodies look entirely- maybe I go too far in that direction, who knows. I do think that more body types are accepted nowadays, so I think our kids are luckier than we were.
Btw… I’m one of those people with stick straight hair and I wish I had waves!
Yes, yes, yes to balancing how to talk with our children, especially daughters, about this.
I’m not doing this perfectly of course, but I don’t think my daughter is even aware of diets at 11, while I was already dieting – WITH MY MOTHER – by the time I was her age.
We do talk a lot about:
1) Eating healthfully and exercising because it keeps our bodies healthy and strong. We also don’t label food as “good” and “bad.” Though, I’ll admit, sugary foods are still seen as very rewarding to the kids (and me!).
2) We try to model this by providing them with a range of good food options and also incorporating a lot of physical activity as a family. We exercise (mostly walking) together…a lot.
3) I tell my daughter regularly that she is beautiful.
4) I currently keep the kids away from just about anything that would portray body types in any idealized way. No tween dramas, for example. No magazines or books of this ilk. They have a lifetime ahead, as adults, to chose what media they consume, but we shy away from letting them watch any of this. I was watching soap operas (behind my parents back) and reading Cosmo (behind my parents back) by her age. Sigh.
We have no cable and password protected streaming accounts (and she doesn’t have any of her own devices), so she has MUCH stricter controls than I did at her age. I also just think I’m so aware of what’s out there. As much as being a mostly SAHM when they were little was exhausting, I do think having that level of interaction means that I now am used to being with them a lot. It’s funny that I don’t consider myself a helicopter parent at all in SO many aspects; I let my kids climb trees and take calculated physical risks. But in this area of their lives, especially for my daughter, I have these huge protections in place that, thankfully because they have just been part of life forever, I think she’s mostly unaware of. Next year is middle school, so I suspect that will change…but I’m doing what I can to set her up to have fewer body image issues than I did.
And then I just pray…
Oh – and I also agree that the conversations lately have been more body-positive. I’d argue the subversive messaging in media is definitely for a narrow range of body types, but it is an improvement! I also think healthy food choices are more readily accessible, too, which helps!
Yes, my mom was ALWAYS complaining about her weight when I was younger- not that I blame her for anything. She was doing the best she could with what she knew. I also try to let my daughter make her own decisions about treats and desserts- if she says ‘how many cookies should I have?” I’ll ask her how many SHE thinks she should have- and she usually comes up with a reasonable number. Or if she asks if she should have more, or less, food, I’ll ask her how she’s feeling (full yet? Still hungry?) Both my kids do a way better job than I ever did or monitoring their own eating habits in a healthy way. Still… it’s an uphill battle. My daughter isn’t as active as your kids, and that’s something I hope will change in the near future. I’m working on it!
Ah yes, I can relate to this! Looking back I don’t think reading all of the fashion magazines was very healthy for my body image in my teens and early twenties. I have learned to appreciate what my body can do, but I still carry some hangups about what some parts look like (or don’t look like).
Yes, those old hangups die hard- even when we’re older and wiser.
Somewhere in my junior high years I came across a magazine article with an exercise plan that promised perfect legs in 4 weeks and how disappointed I was 4 weeks later to still have the same legs.
I was overweight as a child and lost the weight in college and I did feel so much better about myself. At the same time there was always that edge of feeling that I hadn’t lost enough weight and always trying to be thinner. Once I got into running fitness became less about controlling my weight and more about what my body could do.
Oh that funny (and horrible) about the “perfect leg” plan! I will say that fitness has come a long way- now the focus is more on being strong and fit, as opposed to looks.
I don’t think there is a woman in this world who hasn’t had body issues. Dissatisfaction with our appearance is practically drilled into us, not to mention the pressure to be smaller and take up less space.
I was like you – tall for my age and developed early. I always felt like a giant moose around smaller classmates. I’m 5’7″ now but I was probably that height at about age 13, so I always felt bigger than everyone, until I was in high school or so.
As for having a different life – I do think if I looked different, I would probably have a different life. I don’t think it would be a better life; I think that certain aspects of my life have been very easy. But I do think appearances do change people’s outcomes.
With every passing year, I get more and more pleased with my own appearance, strangely enough. I am so much more satisfied with my looks now than I did ten or twenty years ago – and if I look at photos, I don’t look *that* different (obviously younger, but still me), but I feel different.
That’s funny, we pretty much have the same “height” history and are both 5’7″. There are studies that show people are generally happier the older they get- most people seem to have a similar story of being unhappy with their bodies as a teen and young adult, and becoming more satisfied with themselves as they age.
<3 <3 <3
I did (and still do sometimes) have body image issues. I am 5'10" and solid. I was overweight growing up and just generally larger than everyone. I worked veery hard to make myself as small as possible, at all times. I never believed I deserved space in the world. I suffered from anorexia, bulimia and compulsive overexercising for over 10 years. I am proud to consider myself recovered, but that voice sometimes creeps back in.
I think having a "perfect" body would have led me to be more confident, but other than that, it's just a body, right? Mine does some pretty awesome things, and so does yours.
Now, I wish I was 6 feet tall LOL! I love being tall.
Ugh, Jenn I’m so sorry you went through all that. I definitely know what you mean about that voice creeping back in… I feel like it’s still there lurking in the background.
Yes, our bodies do awesome things! And that’s funny you wish you were 6′- that’s exactly what my daughter wishes, poor thing. She would settle happily for 5’10” though, or even 5’5″… sigh.
Massive body issues. And I applaud those who can say that out loud – it also shows just how much social / societal conditioning has had an impact on women in particular. I can’t even start going into it because I have moments of just being so pissed off about everything. if I only this, or if i only that. It was what it was and I can’t change it (especially the really bad bits) but I can try to be present now with how I am now.
I got so much teasing and joking from my family about my butt or my legs or my “chi-chis” (that meaty bit between the bra strap and the armpit). My family COULD HAVE said nice things but nope. And my mother had issues so all I saw was her being unhappy and her dieting. At the end of high school I thought I was fat and disgusting. And yet… I weighed under 150lbs at 5’6″ and was actually fine thankyouverymuch.
I only sometimes wish I had a slightly different body to be taken more seriously as a runner or even just a fit person. I still get judged at the doctor or when I have to go to a new physio or sports doctor. it sucks. yes, I run. yes, I’m active. yes, I’m slightly overweight and have thicker thighs. it should not matter. Would my life be different? Gosh I hope not! I would not change anything, not even the bad stuff, if it would mean I wasn’t doing what I’m doing (and most importantly with whom 🙂 ) now.
That’s terrible that you got teasing from your own family! One thing I think is much better now, is it’s less acceptable to criticize people’s bodies (although I’m sure it still happens.) So here’s the thing- you wouldn’t want to change anything about your life now, yet, if you had had a different body things very well might have turned out differently. So actually the body you had/have is perfect for you.
I wonder if it’s possible to get through adolescence as a girl and NOT struggle with body issues? I have major body issues as a child even though I was actually very thin at that time. But my mom was often on a diet/talked about being on a diet so I think I got the sense that is what life was about? Like you’d always be striving for this better version of yourself? Add in the fact that I tend toward perfectionism and that resulted in always trying to ‘improve’ myself. Females in particular seem to be very susceptible to body image issues. It’s just so sad that we can’t see ourselves the way our friends see us! I can remember giving food from my lunch away as early as 3rd grade! It took until my 30s for me to really appreciate the body that I have and what it is able to do for me and running played a big part in that. It made me really appreciate what my body could do. Same goes for having children – it really changed my body and not always for the better necessarily but it made me appreciate what my body did – growing a baby and then sustaining that baby for over a year with breast milk!
I think there is more awareness now about body imagine that their was when I was a child so I try to be mindful of how I talk about exercise and eating around my children. I talk about how I ‘get to go for a run’ and don’t talk about skipping desserts and things like that. I did weight watchers over the fall/winter to help get back to a better weight for me but I would never talk about it in front of my children. But I liked that program because it is not a diet. Nothing is off limits, it’s just about making the right choices. So I still ate dessert, I just made sure I ate lots of fruits and veggies and such. So I really hope that my actions will help my boys grow up with good body images. One is very thin/small for his age, so the height thing might come into play. My husband is on the smaller side, though – 5’9″ and 150 lbs – so they will be raised by a dad that is on the smaller side so will hopefully see it doesn’t really matter? Time will tell.
Having kids is what shifted my perspective on my body. I finally appreciated what my body could do- also when I was pregnant I dropped all preconceived notions about what I was supposed to look like, and it was so liberating. My midwife even said how lucky I was to have a long torso, because that meant more room for the baby and less discomfort for me. Finally! I felt like my body was “right.” After having my two kids I never went back to judging my body negatively. I mean… for the most part. There’s always those nagging voices (sigh.)
It has taken me so, so long to come to terms with my own body image and to be happy in the fat body I have. I spent so much of my teens and twenties hating the way I looked and going on crash diets to try to change my body. When I read back on my blog posts from that time, I am so sad for that girl because she really thought her life was miserable and nobody would ever love her because she couldn’t stick to a diet. I am in such a better place now; maybe it’s getting older or maybe it’s that body acceptance and fat positivity has gotten so much better in recent years. Are there things I want to change about my body? Always. But do I think I’m less worthy because I’m fat? Absolutely not!
Side note: I’m also short like your daughter (just under 5’2″) and I wished so much that I could grow taller. Mostly because I thought my weight would even out better if I was taller, lol. Or maybe it was because at that time, all of my friends were growing taller than me and my height didn’t budge one bit after middle school. I don’t mind being short now! It’s just the way I’m built. 🙂
I’m glad to hear you say you don’t mind your height now-I keep telling my daughter she’ll get to that place someday! You’ve come to a place of acceptance with your body that I didn’t get to till much older. You must have done some hard work to get there! If you do decide to have kids someday, you’ll be a great role model.
This is interesting. I don’t remember having a lot of body issues per se as a child/young teenager, but I struggled with being the shy/invisible girl next to my much more outgoing twin sister. She always got all the attention, I was the quiet person in the corner. I often wonder how a different personality would have played out for me – so yeah, I think it can be both physical appearance and personality that can change how you’re perceived in the world.
You grew up in Germany, right? I wonder if German girls have a better self image- maybe it’s the culture?