Earlier in the week, Birchwood Pie published a post about her decision to quit her mind-numbing, hateful job (hooray!) and possibly not go back to work. I hope this scenario comes to pass (partially because I’m selfishly hoping she’ll start blogging more often) but I have to admit, it made me feel a little bad about myself.
I’m 57! Why can’t I stop working? Boy, I’ve really mismanaged my finances.
At the same time, I read other blogs where women seem to be working much more than me. Wait a minute! I shouldn’t be thinking about not working- I should be working more! To be clear, I know our goal here is to build each other up. No one is trying to make anyone feel bad- this is all just my own craziness.
It reminded me of a podcast episode I listened to last week, where Sally McRae (an incredible ultrarunner) was answering listener questions about training, specifically about building a training program when you have kids. She warned against falling into the trap of thinking “So-and-so has FOUR kids, and she runs 70 miles a week- should I be doing that?”
Sally emphasized that every family is unique. And the more kids you have, the more unique your family is (wait- I only have two. Should I have had more? Just kidding.) The specific needs of your family will never match the needs of someone else’s, so no two training plans will look alike. Factor work into the equation, and each family becomes even more unique.
This is all a very long way to say, I have a new work schedule and I’m pretty excited about it. As a reminder, I work as a massage therapist, and the place I work is open 9 am-10 pm, so no one works a typical 9-5 schedule. I’ve always revolved my workday around my kids’ school schedules, and my employers are fine with whatever I choose (they just want us to pick a schedule and stick with it.)
Now that my daughter is in high school, school starts at 7:30 (ouch.) I’ll drop her off at 7, and then have THREE HOURS to do my workout, eat breakfast and get ready for work. I’ll work 10-3, at which time I’ll leave to pick my daughter up (she’s eligible for a bus, but has to carry her guitar to and from school most days- guitars aren’t allowed on the bus.)
Those five hours I’m working will be intense, because I won’t be taking a break. But while I’m excited about this schedule, I also feel guilty about it. I feel guilty that I’m not starting work at 9, because there’s a shortage of therapists willing to work at 9 am (my coworker assured me that is NOT MY PROBLEM. Besides, I work at 9 am on Saturdays, so they’re pretty lucky I’m willing to do that!)
But I also feel guilty because I’m prioritizing my workouts so much. I do have a 50 mile race to train for (ACK! Every time I say that, part of my brain goes “You signed up for WHAT???”) but at the end of the day, it’s just a hobby. I’m putting a lot of time and effort into something that I’m not getting paid for. Shouldn’t I be putting that time and effort into my career?
I’m not sure there’s a correct answer to that question. Some people will probably say “You do you! Don’t worry about what anyone else is doing!” and some might say “Stop being a lazy bum and work normal hours! Put your daughter on the bus and say, tough luck, missy!” Or, there’s probably a middle ground there somewhere.
Anyway, that’s my new schedule, effective today! I’ll see how it goes, and like most things in life… if it’s not working, I can always change it.
Do you work a traditional 9-5 schedule? Or do you have unusual hours? Do you work from home?
(Photo by Eric Rothermel on Unsplash)
45 Responses
I feel you on the comparison game, Jenny. It’s such a double standard because I find it so easy to see a friend doing it (like you) and to think, no way! You are doing what’s right for YOU and that’s what’s important. And yet, I can’t apply the same grace to myself. By every measure, I have a fantastic life — and I am so grateful for it. I work part-time, for myself, from home. I devote the rest of my time to my lifelong dream of writing fiction. But I am *constantly* worrying about it. I feel like I’m not contributing enough financially to our household. I feel like I’m not being a good role model for my daughter. I feel like I’m wasting my education (which was pricey! and which my parents generously paid for!). I feel like people look at me and think I’m lazy or spoiled or chasing a pipe dream. I feel like one day my husband will run out of patience (he is immensely supportive) and say I need to get a real job or get out. Here I am with this idyllic lifestyle and I can’t even be happy about it!
ANYWAY, sorry to dump all my super dumb and whiny feelings all over your blog. I have ZERO reason to feel anything but happy and grateful. I just want you to know I feel you on comparisons.
I think your new schedule sounds amazing, and I hope you can find some peace with it. You are working hard and it’s nice that you are able to fit that work into a neat and tidy space that gives you flexibility to care for your kid and to pursue your running. That’s wonderful. Plus, I may be heavily biased, but personal pursuits (like writing for me and running for you) are so important for our mental health and sense of well-being! I think it is so critical that you make time for that, and it’s wonderful that your new schedule is allowing you to do so in a more meaningful way.
And, to make a very long comment even longer: the bus doesn’t allow GUITARS??!?! What is the reason for that? Space limitations? It just seems like such a weird rule. Does it apply to other instruments, too, or just guitars???
It’s space limitations- no large instruments are allowed.
Here’s one thing I would say to you- all of us who love to read are immensely grateful to people like you who are willing to WRITE FICTION. It’s the same thing I think every time someone looks askance when I tell them my son is studying music. What would the world be like if no one were willing to write, or play music, or paint? If everyone had a “real job” because that’s what they thought they “should” be doing, we wouldn’t have the artists of the world.
This line you wrote really got me! If everyone had a “real job” because that’s what they thought they “should” be doing, we wouldn’t have the artists of the world.
I dislike the term “real job!” Now, I don’t want people all sitting on the street asking me for money, but I think everyone’s sense of happiness and success in their own life is different and YOU DO YOU!
And this, Jenny, is why my heart leaps for joy when I see a new post from you show up in my feed. I could have written this EXACT post, my friend (switching out a few details). I just read a quote the other day that said: Dare to be average. This hit me right between the eyes because it’s something I struggle with so much as a clinically diagnosed perfectionist. I want everything to be perfect and I want to excel at absolutely everything…but, since becoming a mother, I mostly feel like a failure (or very, very, very average) at basically everything.
Like Suzanne, I am so, so fortunate to be able to work flexibly from home, but I feel guilt/wistfulness all. the. time. about not living up to the potential of my educational background (valedictorian! second in my graduating class at university…and now I am, in essence, a SAHM – a role that I know is very important but also is just HARD). I also feel less than for not contributing more financially. Again, like Suzanne, my husband is endlessly supportive (he would be 100% fine with me quitting my job if I wanted to). It’s a long story that I’ve detailed a few times on the blog, but I had a baby immediately after finishing grad school and just sort of “fell” into part-time work while I was juggling being a new mom and then helped co-found two businesses – but I’ve never had a set career and continue to work part-time (three jobs; two for a university and the other for one of my small businesses). Again, I know I am SO, SO privileged, but sometimes I wish I had a steady 9-5 where my career was part of my identity. Or, I wonder how I can struggle so much with motherhood when I have so much flexibility. How is every other FULL TIME working mother managing to balance everything? Should I go back to school and pursue a professional degree? Should I work my way up a corporate ladder? Should I quit completely and do…what?
I think it’s great that you’re able to be there to drop off/pick up your daughter. This seems like a real priority for you and no excuses are needed on that. And your physical and mental health are tremendously improved by your running. It’s okay to enjoy and pursue things that make us feel good! Running is that special something for you and I think you are to be 100% commended for pursuing and prioritizing that.
Gah, I just love you Jenny!! Please move to Canada so we can hang out?!
First of all, Canada is sounding pretty good right about now!!! Especially after your Nova Scotia staycation posts. Maybe I can just move in with you during the summer months.
Reading over your comment, it’s striking me how much this is a women’s issue. I’ll bet none of our husbands are agonizing over whether they’re working too much or too little. And it’s also funny how we all have different versions of this. You were valedictorian??? That’s awesome. While you feel like you’re (possibly) not living up to your potential, I’m down here thinking what an incredible life you have. And wait, you helped so-found two businesses? This is all impressive… but why are we judging out lives based on our work/salary anyway? Ah, this is complicated.
Yesssss to this!
I totally struggle with the comparison trap as well when it comes to work (and running!) I wish my job could be fully or mostly remote because I love the flexibility of WFH days but I’m grateful to have a more “normal” work schedule in this role. When I started my career, I was working in TV news which is incredibly demanding and often has weird hours. My first year or so, my shift was 10 pm – 6 am which was tough to get used to. There were some things I liked about it, such as being able to get my run in during the afternoon after sleeping all morning and not feeling rushed, but working an overnight shift makes it hard to have a social life.
Your new schedule sounds ideal for your life right now! And you shouldn’t feel guilty for prioritizing running! I wish I could start work an hour later so I’d have more time to run in the mornings, and it would be nice if I could work a 6 hour day and get paid the same as I do now for an 8 hour day lol since most of the time I can get the work done I need to do in 6 hours or less. Maybe someday I’ll find a job like that or one that’s fully remote so at least I can ditch the commute, which is such a time waster!
Ooh, you were working in TV news??? I’m intrigued. Yes, it would be nice if you could be fully remote. And, taking the breaks out of my workday did allow me to work less hours but be paid more or less the same. It’s annoying to have to be there and feel like some of the time is wasted!
In some ways, I think the “you do you” is just not helpful (or accurate) because we can never just do us— as you retire so well, we are always in a web with other people and what they need. The no guitar on the bus made me LOL— that is so high school.
Yes, “you do you” is a little simplistic when you have a family! We’re definitely in a web with other people.
I think your schedule sounds amazing! Don’t feel bad about prioritizing yourself. You spent many years as a mom of young kids where you sacrificed your wants, desires, and needs for the sake of your kids. Which I get is part of being a mom. But if your job offers that flexibility – take it! I wouldn’t force yourself into a 9-5 schedule because that’s the ‘normal’ schedule.
Everyone’s situation is so unique. I didn’t have kids until I was 37 so had a long time to build my career because adding in the craziness of kids. And I happen to love what I do for the most part. I will likely be able to stop working in 10 years or really downshift into something less demanding. That is fairly common in my industry. It’s a well paid industry but it’s volatile and intense and burnout is very common. I feel guilty at times that I didn’t really WANT to be a SAHM. I would have been very unhappy to be completely honest. But others would have been very unhappy working full time akd sending their kids to child care.
I’ll close with one of my favorite lines from SATC! In the words of Carrie Bradshaw: ‘why are we shouding all over ourselves?’ 🙂 I am trying to remove should from my vocabulary because it just results in more shame and negative self talk.
Ha, that’s a great line. Yes, let’s not should all over ourselves! It’s funny that you would have guilt (a little- it sounds like you’re mostly very satisfied with your life choices) about not being a SAHM. I was at home with my kids for a long time and I felt guilty about THAT! The whole things is silly-and of course all our kids are just fine, whether we stayed at home or put them right into day care. Everyone’s situation is definitely unique.
What I love is that you’ve basically created an elite athlete’s lifestyle. The only difference is that instead of GETTING a massage after your workout, you’ll be giving the massages. You are truly living your best life, and you should be very proud and have zero guilt. I’m jealous! Hopefully I will actually follow through on leaving my job so that I can do the same (whatever my equivalent of that is).
Money is nice, but it’s pointless once you’ve got a roof over your head and food in your belly. Yes you could work oooooodles of hours at the expense of doing the things that bring you joy, but from personal experience I don’t recommend it.
Ha ha, yes, I’m living the lifestyle of an elite athlete with that one little tweak! And you’re right- if we have enough money to live comfortably, there’s no point in earning more at the expense of our sanity.
I try to remember something I read years ago, “Don’t compare your insides with anyone else’s outsides.” And also the advice about treating yourself as kindly as you treat a friend. It’s hard to do! But so important for mental balance.
I do work a typical 9-5, and I’ve worked from home for a few years now. But I would quit in a heartbeat if I could afford to: I am not someone who identifies with my work and would be lost without it. However, until I win the lottery…
Ah, I love that quote. And- I do like my job, but I would also quit in a heartbeat if I won the lottery!
You know me, I am going to fall into the “you do you and don’t worry about anyone else” category, because every single person is so unique and has such different situations, it really isn’t a good idea to compare. Also, like ccr says, don’t compare your insides to other people’s outsides, and always remember that people are selective in what they share with others. This is challenging, of course, but comparison can really only bring grief.
I do not work a 9-5, and in fact I have not worked regular hours since 2004, so I’m not the best person to ask. I feel like I have done a really good job pivoting throughout my life, and I’m at the stage now where I truly don’t really care what anyone else is doing or thinking about me, if they think about me at all. I think people think about us less than we think they do!
I think your new schedule sounds great, and if your boss is happy with your hours and work, then what else is there to be concerned about? Once I was established as a yoga teacher, I wouldn’t teach evenings or weekends. I figured there were enough young teachers who wanted those shifts, so I stayed with the day shifts while my kids were in school.
You’re absolutely right- I doubt anyone is actually questioning my work schedule, other than myself. And yes- my boss is fine with my hours so why would I even question it? This is why writing a blog post is such good therapy!
I get the comparison game. It’s so detrimental to all of us, though. We prioritize what we prioritize and, as long as we’re doing it thoughtfully and consistently, that’s all we can do. You have a demanding job and a demanding home life and you run a gazillion miles and if that works for you, that’s great!
I’m confused about the no guitars on the bus, though. What kind of rule is that? It seems very problematic to me. What if your daughter didn’t have a parent who could drive her to school, but she still wanted to play guitar? How would that work out? It seems like a huge equity issue to me!
The band director would say, leave your guitar at school. But then she couldn’t practice, and that wouldn’t work. I think they just don’t have room for a guitar on the bus (no large instruments are allowed.)
I love Sally! Have you seen Western Time? If you haven’t you should, as Billy does a great job of showing what a beast she is. She is my hero, for real!
Oh and for those of you who don’t like “you do you” how about “haters gonna hate?”
I don’t have kids, but I have seen the moms and the comparisons made and it is so strange to me that we don’t band together sometimes! I have a friend who lives in a pretty wealthy area where most of the moms are SAHM; she is a single mom with a job. They always schedule meeting and fundraisers etc. at 3 pm and then give her the side eye for never attending (she has a 9-5 job). That kind of surprised me to be honest. I know I am guilty of prioritizing running over other things, but I also do try to fit it in where I can still participate in family and friend activities. I have found that getting up very early (like 4 or 5 am) and getting a run in before everyone else wakes up kind of is where the balance is for me; that way I can be back by the time breakfast is over and can join everyone else for whatever is on for the day. However, don’t ask me to stay up and play Spades until midnight because I will poop out early!
No, I have not seen Western Time but I want to!!!! And if you like podcasts, you should check out Sally’s- Choose Strong. It is GREAT.
I feel bad for your friend- being a single mom must be so, so hard. The other moms should be supporting her instead of criticizing! You’re right, we all need to band together.
I work casual hours from home. I have regular tasks that I know are going to come up every week/month/quarter and then some ad-hoc tasks. Generally, those ones will not be so urgent, or time-consuming that I can’t slot them around my normal life. So I am very, very lucky. LIke you I sometimes wonder what other people must think about this … should I work more? … but these thoughts never rise to the level of making me seriously consider another path LOL. I am in the you do you camp, and certainly don’t feel guilty! (easy said than done, I know)
True, Melissa- I might feel a little guilty, but not enough to actually change my schedule! Your situation does sound really great.
I think this all makes total sense! We all fall into the comparison game thing, like it or not… it can really suck, for lack of a better term! haha. I always used to say that my ideal work schedule would be from 10-2. Unfortunately, I cannot swing parttime work, but if I could, I could see this being a really perfect schedule! It can be darn near impossible to fit workouts in otherwise… working a more 7-3:30 or 8-4:30 schedule or even 9-5 doesn’t allow much morning time if you have to be responsible for kids in the morning (as we are…). Then evenings can be so slammed with activities or just dinner or whatever. So I think how you have it set up with those 3 morning hours to workout, shower and then get to work sounds AMAZING! And I love that you’ll be so available to your daughter to get her to/ from school, etc. As we recently discussed, time is flying!! In a couple more years she won’t even need you to drive her. I’m glad you’ll be able to enjoy that time and be there for her now.
That is a GREAT point- in four years my daughter will be off to college. I’ll have so much MORE flexibility in my schedule- but I’ll miss these days. So keeping in mind that things will change again, I should just enjoy my schedule now, which as you pointed out, is pretty close to ideal.
This is a tough topic because we are all “guilty” of the comparison game… and it’s like you said, you can’t because you can’t be one of the “FIRE” people who retire early AND a workaholic who “juggles it all”. It’s not possible, so what do we do? We fall somewhere in the middle and focus on ourselves.
I think it’s amazing that you can fit in exercise (as that is important to you), be there for your kids/daughter, and have the flexibility to make your own schedule and decide when you want to start. That is a lot more than other people do!
When I start comparting my life to others, I try to remind myself that my situation is simply different from a lot of people’s situation. I work a full-time 4/10 schedule (so Mo-Thurs feel FULL), but I also don’t have kids and no family nearby (sadly) which keeps other obligations low.
Yes, I think we all have to remind ourselves that our situations are all different. It’s still so tempting to compare though!
I can’t see where guilt fits in at all – it sounds like a great schedule and like it fits your needs (time- and financial-wise) now!
I am trying to think if I had any guilt around my job transition to part time physician – I think no. Concern about financial impact/stability? Yes. Guilt? Not really. Lucky yes but guilt / shame no. I’m really excited for you! And ultra running brings you so much joy so you should do it!!
It’s good to get someone else’s input- I like how, from your point of view, there’s nothing to feel guilty about at all.
I hate the guilt that comes with being a human being. And I suspect it is a female thing, though certainly men do a lot of the comparison thing and feel like they are not keeping up with friends/colleagues, etc.
I work from home, which I mostly LOVE. It allows me the flexibility to do some quick yoga and take a walk in the morning before work. I can take a shower and go to the grocery store on my lunch hour. It gives me a lot of freedom. I also have Fridays off from work (for the last year) and that has been amazing.
I do not have a ‘passion’ for a particular job/vocation, so have pretty much drifted from job to job. I have pretty much always been employed, but for many years was underemployed financially, which means that like you, I am 57 with no hope of retiring anytime soon. And in my case, I was never good at investing or saving. Sigh. We did manage to get our daughter through college with only $2k in debt, which she has paid off, but that wasn’t because we were good about saving. It’s because she did 2 years at a community college and 2 years at a (top ranked) nearby university and lived at home. My husband has not been as fortunate as me in his career, he put a lot of money and time into a specific career that did not work out. Very frustrating and adds to the lack of savings. But we are where we are and we can’t change that, only be thankful that we have good jobs now and though behind, at least we aren’t in debt (other than our mortgage) and are able to save money now. If I compared myself to others, I think I would come out in the middle. I am better off than some, worse off than others. Have made better decisions than some, worse than others. That’s life I guess.
Oh, I love this post! It all feels so impossible – to show up for your kid/s, work enough to keep the activities going and plan for their and your own futures, and then have your own goals and hopes and hobbies… I used to hide in work – it was so much easier than my life – but now I’m working through what it really means to be present and part of it all. There’re no answers, I think, just different things to try and see how they go…
Best wishes on your new schedule! There’s so much that can bring fulfillment and I love seeing you go after those big race goals!!
So I’m 70 and still work. All my friends have stopped. This makes it hard to plan social activities and I miss a lot.
I’d love a more flexible schedule but I can’t see myself staying home full time.
ESP while most of the time I work from home.
I like being productive helping others and not worrying about bills.
If I won the lottery I’d quit my job and get a fun job and volunteer and travel.
Oh yes- if I won the lottery I would quit my job immediately. But as it is, I’ll probably also still be working when I’m 70. Maybe with some tweaks to my schedule though!
Working in healthcare, I’ve never worked a ‘traditional’ schedule, but after all my years in the profession, I have a pretty nice schedule. I only work 20 hours per week. I’ve talked about retiring, but now that it’s just me and the hubs, I may continue on for a while longer. It’s nice to know I could retire but I do want to do a lot of traveling and someone’s got to pay for that!
That’s a nice position to be in! And if you can stand it, you might as well work a little longer to fund your travel adventures.
Oh my gosh, you should totally seize the day and prioritize what you want to do while you can. It sound like a great balance between your daughter, yourself, and work.
In my head, I work an 8 to 6 schedule, but it’s not that straightforward. If I go into the office there’s usually an hour-ish break where I leave early to get home for Scooby, take him out, change, have a snack, and get back to work—often until 7. Or, if my husband has Scooby duty, I will stay at work until 7 (to miss the worst traffic).
Oh wow. So some days you work 8-7? That is a long day, and you must not have much time in the evenings- I assume you go to bed pretty early because you get up so early to work out.
Oh yes, so much, yes.
Especially this year, when I’ve had shows stacked back to back from February to August, and I’ve felt completely overwhelmed and late on so many life maintenance things – like I forgot to pay the bills practically every other month…
I’ve definitely thought, “Who are these people who can work all. the. time. and still get stuff done?!?” It’s made me feel really bad at life that working full time for seven months straight has felt really overwhelming.
I also feel a little guilty that I don’t work more steadily because my Husband works his kind of boring government job and it doesn’t make him as happy as my job makes me. But he sticks to it because the benefits are good and he can leave work in time to pick up the kids, and it pays the bills. I do think to myself, “If I had a more steady job, he would be able to find a more fun job…” So yes, I do feel selfish that I let him be the primary breadwinner while I have the super cool, sometimes fun job that barely pays for childcare. I’ve thought periodically about doing something else, but I really like what I do. Though, to some degree, I think men have different work priorities than women.
I think your feelings of guilt over your three hours between drop off and work, well *paid* work … well I guess don’t discount all that unpaid work you do as a mom, first of all. (I mean you could work more and then hire someone to pick her up… it’s a tradeoff… and I’m sure that time with your daughter is precious too.) And then time for yourself is worth something too – it’s not like your are frittering it away. I find when I have loads of free time between jobs, I feel much better about it when I can approach the time with intention. Those days when I get to 3:30pm and can’t remember what I’ve done all day… those are days when I think, “I need to find a day job…”
I hope the new schedule works out well! And, as you say, you can always adjust.
Wow, it’s really interesting to hear what’s going on behind the scenes with people. Your job does sound really fun- but it’s still work! I’m sure there are times you’d rather not be there, and there are parts of it that aren’t that much fun. But then I have to catch myself- why does that matter? Why am I reassuring you that your job isn’t really fun? Why can’t a job be fun? I think this is a whole other blog post.
Why is it so hard to give ourselves the grace that we generously dole out for other people? I look at your schedule and think, “That’s amazing that she’s able to do that!” And it is! You’re able to be there for your daughter AND give yourself the time and space to enjoy your own hobbies before going to work. What an amazing thing! I’ve never been someone who cares that much about work and being seen as a high achiever, although I’ve somehow morphed into someone who is getting promotions and leadership opportunities that I never thought I’d have.
I work from home and my hours are pretty traditionally 9-5, although I will shut down early if I have evening plans and I am known for taking a lunch break AND an hour-long midday siesta, haha. I firmly believe that most of us in corporate America can get our work done in much less time than we think, and I’m proof of that. Sometimes I feel guilty that I’m not logged into work from 8-6, no breaks, but also… who is?!
I’m actually envious of your schedule- I wish I could work from home. (ha- that doesn’t really work as a massage therapist.) And if you can get your work done, and take a lunch and a siesta (that’s my kind of schedule, btw) then why not?
Oh, my goodness. I know everyone else has said it, but you don’t need to compare yourself to ANYONE. I love your schedule – it sounds perfect for you and no one else. I can’t wait to hear how your daughter’s year in high school (!) goes, and thank you for explaining the guitar-less bus. 🙂
Thank you Anne! It’s good for me to post these things so I can get a different perspective. Everyone is so supportive and I appreciate it!