I’ve been running consistently- barring time off for injuries- since high school. I’m always surprised when people parise my “motivation”- the truth is, I need it for my mental health. Even with running, sometimes I feel like I’m barely keeping my head above water.
As you can imagine, recently my mood has gotten darker and darker. That nagging, sarcastic, negative inner voice is slowly taking over. For example! Recently Kae shared a quote: “Even if you don’t have all the things you want, be grateful for the things you don’t have that you don’t want.” – Bob Dylan’s father
I love that! I decided to list all the things I don’t have that I don’t want- #1. Cancer (“or, at least not that you KNOW of…”). ARRRG! Be quiet, negative inner voice. Now instead of being grateful that I don’t have cancer, I’m thinking that I really do have it but just haven’t found out yet.
See what I’m up against? Now let’s try making a list of good things:
- College football is starting! The first Baylor game is this Saturday!
- It’s almost time for Pumpkin Palooza (you remember that, right???)
- I got a text from my son saying that his year is off to a great start (happy kids=happy parents.)
The problem is, if just “thinking happy thoughts” made people happy, no one would ever be depressed. If only it were that simple!
Oh well. Tomorrow is my day off, which I need badly. I’ll go to the gym and try to work up some endorphins. Then I’m going to Barnes and Noble to browse, and sit in the cafe with a tea and my notebook. In the words of Cassandra Mortmain, “Perhaps if I make myself write I shall find out what is wrong with me.”
Have you thought about the things you DON’T have that you don’t want?
Does making a list of things you’re grateful for make you happier?
Top photo by Hendrik Morkel on Unsplash
31 Responses
Oh no, yes, I guessed you were someone who needed to run. Enjoy your day off. Maybe try to do something fun? Do you have stationary bikes at your gym? I found Tabata workouts on the bike gave me a good endorphin hit when I couldn’t run. It only takes about 25 minutes. I’d get off the bike feeling trashed, and then endorphins would hit. Magic! I’d never really done any bike workouts before this. I’m still doing a few SIT or HIIT sessions on the bike each week because I can’t do high-intensity running yet.
Ha, Melissa, I have to laugh at your suggestion to “do something fun” and then it involves a Stationary bike! I do know what you mean though- a good, hard cardio workout does feel good. I did the Stairmaster today and it helped, somewhat. Thank you!
I can totally relate on the need of running for mental health. I need it to start the day with positive vibe. It’s something non-runners cannot understand nor imagine, they think are aliens? maybe we are.
I do find thinking positive things and writing them down help me to appreciate small things more, but that will not compensate for the lack of running, at least not fully.
There are so many things I don’t have and I don’t want. I don’t want to be famous. I don’t want a high pay job that means less free time. I don’t want bigger house and all the cleaning. I don’t want a closet full of fancy bags that I’m too lazy to use. My list will be long!!!!!!!!!
Hmmm, those are good things not to want! Your list is more creative than mine. My list was more like “shingles, cancer, etc.”
Jenny, I’m going to be honest with you. I have been very, very worried about you this summer. I know how much running means to you, and how it’s part of your personality and identity, a big part. I know that when you aren’t running it’s hard on your mental health. And I have no solution or suggestion, because sometimes it’s better to just be sad for a bit and feel the loss, in order to heal. I know it’s specific RUNNING endorphins, you probably don’t get the same from your super fast walking, but at least the walking gets you outside? I don’t know, trying to “think happy thoughts” is counterproductive in my opinion. SOMETIMES THINGS ARE SHITTY. You know? And just saying “at least I don’t have cancer” or “there’s a football game to look forward to” well, I don’t know. Those are obviously good things but they aren’t going to solve it. Sometimes you’ve got to mourn and make space for the grief. I’m not saying lean in to the depression and just stop functioning or anything, but I am saying that it’s okay to be sad and not feel like you have to cheer yourself up. People have emotions, and uncomfortable ones are just as important as the happy ones. You know when you have a toddler who’s having a meltdown, and you try to distract them? It never seems to work. So why would it work for adults? It’s okay to feel our feelings, and know that your friends are surrounding you with care and friendship. I’m personally sending what I call a Care Bear Stare all the way from Western Canada, which is almost as far away from you as I could be without leaving the continent.
Thank you so much, Nicole. I agree- sometimes you just have to feel bad. Although it’s easier to agree with that logically than to actually live it. There’s actually a quote in ICTC about that, where Cassandra says something about not wanting to miss the bad parts of life, because then you might miss some good things as well. Anyway, I appreciate all the love and support, as always!
Oh Jenny, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make it sound like “just be sad! It will be fine!” because that’s not what I meant. I just meant sometimes fighting against the sad things and forcing ourselves to feel gratitude doesn’t usually work. For me, I have found that making space for the grief and sadness can lead to an organic gratitude for life and can allow for joy to occur more naturally. There will be a (pain-free!) time after this, and I hope it’s soon for you. I just wanted to empathize because I know how important running is in your life, and when it’s causing you pain, that’s just awful. xo
*I have a good feeling in my bones that your calf issue WILL be resolved.*
Jenny, I’m not a runner–but I too need those exercise endorphins for my mental health. (Speaking of, I’m not even going to TRY that mental exercise, because I just know I will give myself anxiety imagining I already have those things or that they’re on their way to me!)
I’m glad you’re headed to the gym to find that endorphin high in another way. And in the meantime, I hope you can find something to fill the gap. I also know that it must feel like no one gets how you’re feeling. I hate how lonely that can feel. Hugs.
I’m just offering this for whatever it’s worth: When A had knee issues after running a few marathons years ago, I suggested he switch to cycling, which is less stressful on his knees. And he’s been very happy with that switch–alternating between the Peleton and Zwift and gravel racing.
Maya, I like that good feeling in your bones!!! I am getting treatments on the calf, so there’s every reason to believe that it will be healed. At some point.
I wish I liked cycling! I’ve tried it. I think I would like it better if I had somewhere safe to ride- I’m always afraid I’m going to get hit by a car.
Running is definitely important for my mental health as well! Even though I feel like my running performance has been stagnating for awhile, starting my day off on the trails always improves my mood. I’m hopeful that you can get back to running pain-free soon!
I’ve been doing a gratitude journal nightly for quite some time, and even though most days the things I’m grateful for are the same (my morning run, something I ate during the day that I particularly enjoyed), it reminds me especially on hard days that I do have a lot of good things in my life, even if they seem small!
Thank you Ashley! I had the same issue with doing a gratitude journal- it was the same things over and over again. Maybe I should examine that though and look at it a different way, like if those things were suddenly gone, think how much I would miss them. Anyway… the biggest hope is that I’ll be running again soon.
Right now I’m having an issue with my body that I don’t want and it’s really interfering with my general wellbeing. I don’t want health issues!!
I’m with Nicole. I hate to be the pessimist in the room, but sometimes you have to sit with the suck. It won’t be like this forever (hopefully), but in the time it is like this, it’s not awesome.
Hugs to you and may you find peace!
Thank you so much Engie. And I hope your issue is resolved soon as well. No one wants health issues.
I can so relate to what you are going through unfortunately. Shortly after my (unwanted) relocation to Charlotte in 2013, I had foot pain that was diagnosed as a stress fracture. So I was in a new city where I did not want to be and could not run and was studying for the CFA which was so stressful so I needed that stress outlet. I got out of that boot after 6-8 weeks and then had pain in the other foot so the doctor said I had a stress fracture in the other foot (to which I was like – what in the actual world is going on). So much other stuff was off as I also had pain in my arms/hands, etc. Then when I was home that summer my mom was like – SOMETHING IS NOT RIGHT YOU NEED TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS. So I found a better doctor and told her how miserable I was and she ordered a bunch of blood work and I found out all the pain was actually RA. But I still couldn’t run since I was in so much pain. But I did get back to running eventually. When I was in the middle of that period of not being able to run or exercise, it was really really hard. That spring I had registered for the Chicago marathon. I was supposed to run it with 3 other bloggers. But of course I could not run a marathon in that condition but I still went on the trip of course. But wow did I sob at the expo and the morning of the marathon because I was just so sad that my body was preventing me from doing things I really wanted to do. But eventually we found a drug regimen that worked and the pain subsided and I was able to start running. That was 10+ years ago so it seems like a short season of life but I still remember how TERRIBLE I felt during that season of life because nothing was really going well for me (I was not happy at work, Phil and I broke up because long distance was just too hard, especially since he was losing his dad to alzheimer’s (he died in August 2013)). I was just barely holding on, honestly, and it was probably the darkest period of my life and no amount of positive thinking or “it could be worse” thinking was going to pull me out of, well, the depths of my despair.
BUT – there is a happy ending. I came out on the other side! And I know that will be the case for you. But it’s really hard to lose something that is so therapeutic for you!! I can so relate to everything you are experiencing!
I’m sending you all the hugs and compassion and hoping you are on the other side of this challenge very soon!
Okay Lisa, that sounds TERRIBLE. But it’s ultimately hopeful- you came through a really terrible time and are in a much better place. Your problems then were worse than mine now- so if you could do it, I can too. Thank you for sharing that!
I’m so sorry things are hard. I’m also really glad you know that thinking positive thoughts will not automatically make you less depressed, because toxic positivity is so much a thing in our society, and so harmful.
I’ve often wished that I had the same need to exercise as some of my friends, but it must be terrible when something prevents you from it. I feel out of sorts if I get no exercise for a few days, but I have so many small physical challenges and if I push I end up with post-exertional malaise, so it’s a mixed bag for me. But my son is about to start basically his dream job, my daughter is back at school and hasn’t Facetimed me in a few days, which means she’s too busy and happy to have time, which is amazing. And I don’t have an overwhelming amount of work, which I did last fall.
Allison, I think everyone feels out of sorts if they don’t exercise at all- some people might not even realize that’s what they’re feeling. Then I think there are people who are more addicted to the endorphins than others, just like some people get addicted to alcohol and others don’t. Anyway… knowing our kids are doing well really is a huge mood booster, and I’m glad you’re not overwhelmed with work! That definitely helps.
Oh Jenny I’m sorry this has gone on for so long and it’s affecting your mental health. I need walking (decent distances) for my mental health and I remember being pregnant and injuring my hip and not being able to walk longer distances and it was SO depressing. I felt desperate, and frustrated, and down. I do agree that all the positive thinking in the world won’t help beyond a certain level. No solutions other than to say we are all behind you, supporting you from afar.
On another note, I like to play the “look at all the things I don’t have that I don’t want” for “good” things actually, when I’m trying to save money, instead of focusing on the things I’d like to buy but can’t, I focus on things I DONT want to buy (a Lamborghini, lots of throw expensive dinnerware etc) – it cheers me up!
Ha, that’s a good exercise! If you’re trying to save money, it’s definitely good that you don’t want fancy, expensive things.
Thank you for the support! I can tell you understand what I’m going through.
I hope your day off brings you joy 🙂
Thank you Lisa! There were definitely lots of good things in my day, including a hard workout at the gym- it helped!
Girl, you are with friends here. If I don’t work out, I don’t feel right physically or mentally. When I was running, my motivation was that I felt that every run had a purpose – usually that it was getting me one workout closer to whatever race that I was training for – and if I missed a run I felt like I was off course.
Yes but also no to happy thoughts making me happier. I got to a point last year where my work stress and a “not for the blog” situation were problems, and “I’m just going to take a minute to think happy thoughts” led to me being incredibly angry at the contrast between the happy stuff and my everyday life. I had some stuff going on that was not OK, and I had to deal with it instead of pretending that it wasn’t there – “deal with it” is a euphemism for “I yelled at someone and it was wonderful”. In the case of you not being able to run, you’re allowed to be pissed off and feel your feels.
But I do know that the calf crap won’t last forever. I remember back when your foot was really bad and it seemed like you could only do pool running or short distances. I would not have predicted from those posts that you would go to bossing a 50k last year and then “settling for a 50k” this fall after spraining your ankle at the 50 miler. You have come so far in the past few years, and this latest round will just be another blip. So love and hugs from the blogsphere!
THANK YOU Birchie!!! Yes, thinking happy thoughts will only take you so far, and in certain situations it doesn’t work at all. Hmm, maybe I need to find someone to yell at, ha.
Also thanks for the perspective. I DID have a very long, ongoing foot issue, but then came back to run those races- I can come back from this too.
I’m so sorry that you’re having such a hard time!! That sucks so much. And like others have said, I also agree that it’s okay to just be bummed. While I do love that quote, and I love gratitude, I actually DON’T exactly “prescribe it” (if I were someone qualified to prescribe anything 🤣) for like, trying to “turn your frown upside down” when going through a hard time. For me, that quote is more beneficial for just general life perspective, or if I’m wishing I had something more superficial, etc. I also find it useful when I’m stressed over something quite silly, like just general overwhelm or minor family stress.
I don’t think yours is the time to exactly say, well, I can’t run, but at least I’m not paralyzed! (Which, I mean, is true and not a bad thing to realize! But also, it’s human nature to be really disappointed when certain things don’t go how we want them to.) I don’t know what the big picture answer here is with your calf… but I am wishing for FULL healing for you!
Thank you Kae! If I ever figure out the “answer” to all this (gratitude, positive thinking, etc.) I will let everyone know!
I hate to be a Debbie Downer but truthfully if you are a runner, NOTHIMG will replace running.
The only thing you can do is know that it won’t last forever. You will run again..
Until then, I would suggest doing all the things that you never have time to do when you are training for a long race.
Rearrange the furniture, clean out closets, volunteer (shelter, food kitchen), volunteer at a race (yes, you will feel sad but useful), go to the movies.
I think we can all relate to this feeling, even if it’s not specific to running. Just thinking about not being able to read or write for a specific period of time is enough to make my heart race! Yes, there are other things we can do to try to capture the same feeling that ONE THING does for us, but all it really does it want us to be doing that ONE THING. I think it’s good for you to write about it here and be honest about how you’re feeling. We’re all here for you and rooting for you to get back to running SOON.
Hi Jenny, I am sorry you are dealing with an injury. I am not a runner but believe in the power of endorphins that running releases.
I think about this I don’t want all the time. My friend passed from cancer a little over a year ago, at 49, and he was strong and healthy until, well, he got cancer. Also, I truly hope that when I am of age I just pass quickly and have a tree planted on top of me. I do not want to be at the stage where I am incapacitated, don’t recognize people, have to be fed. Anyway, I have a lot of fears of things I don’t want.
Making a list of small things that I have does calm me down, not sure about making me happier, but it certainly is grounding. When shit does not go the way I hoped, I tend to feel sorry for myself, a tendency that I have inherited from my mom… Reminding myself that it will all be okay but still giving myself space to rage and cry is helpful. Also, time. When I am in the bad mood, oh boy, I just need TIME.
I feel you, Jenny. Not being able to do what you love to do, NEED TO DO, is hard and it’s ok to feel shitty sometimes, but I am also a big proponent of thinking good thoughts and looking at the glass half full. I’ve been very lucky that I haven’t dealt with any real injuries during my running journey, but I have had setbacks and I always try to remind myself that there is always plenty to be thankful for. I know it doesn’t always work and it’s ok to wallow a bit, but I remind myself that my best friend is dealing with brain tumor and hasn’t been able to live her life on her terms at all.
How else can you get those endorphins? Is there any other exercise that might do it? I am in problem solving mode right now, if you can’t tell, in pretty much all areas of my life because it is always a dumpster fire to start the semester.
Jenny, I had to start biking with COVID in lieu of running (it was too cold for me outside, plus slippery and not safe, and I did not have access to a treadmill) and then other issues made it so that I never was able to go back to running. I had to actually mourn that. So I get it. And I think that’s colored my not-very-supportive suggestions to you as you’ve dealt with this. It sucks. It’s hard. I wish so much that you were not going through it. And I hope – BIG hope – that you are happily running soon.