You know the Simpsons episode where Homer gives Marge a bowling ball for her birthday? When she points out that she doesn’t bowl, Homer says “If you don’t want it I know someone who does!” and you see that the bowling ball says “Homer” on it.
We have a lot of gifts that are “Homer bowling balls” around here. For Christmas, I gave my husband Katie Couric’s book, The Best Advice I Ever Got: Lessons from Extraordinary Lives. And I’ve been enjoying it immensely!
Katie has compiled stories and advice from dozens of varied and notable people such as Beyonce (“Take time to know yourself”), Donald Trump (“Know everything you can”) (*IMPORTANT NOTE- this book was published in 2012*), Curtis Sittenfeld (“Don’t marry someone who’s more neurotic than you”), and Martha Stewart (“Gather the good things”)- to name a few.
But my favorite essay so far is by Wynton Marsalis, the successful and well-known classical and jazz trumpet player. His story was particularly meaningful to me, because my son Paul is a trumpet player. Paul is currently a music major at Baylor University. Baylor has a great Music Education program, and a lot of people go there to get a Music Ed degree so they have something to fall back on if playing doesn’t work out.
Paul knows that he doesn’t want to teach- he wants to play, so he’s there for a Music Performance degree. In the book, Wynton describes people’s reactions to his decision to pursue a career as a professional trumpet player.. His teachers discouraged it, advising that it would be too difficult to make a living. People told him he would need a “real” profession to fall back on when music didn’t work out. His mother told him if he went into music, he would struggle and suffer just like his father.
But his father, a musician himself, told him this: “Make sure you don’t have anything to fall back on… because you will.” Wynton’s advice: Commit with your whole heart.
This makes me think of the common practice of going into a race with an A, B, and C goal. What happens when the race gets really, really tough, and we have a lesser goal to fall back on? There’s a good chance we’ll take that option.
I love this race recap by Janae, Hungry Runner Girl, where she talks about reaching her goal of a sub-3 hour marathon after years and years of trying. She got to mile 20 of her race and was suffering so much that she thought, “It’s okay. I don’t have to go any faster than this- I won’t get my sub-3, but it’ll still be a PR.” But then she thought, no! I came to run a sub-3 hour marathon, and that’s what I’m going to do. She describes how she pushed herself so hard that her eyes felt fuzzy in the last mile and she felt like she was going to fall. But she crossed the finish line in 2:59:14 because she was fully committed to her goal.
But what happens if we fully commit and don’t achieve our goal? Wanting something badly and putting everything we have into it doesn’t guarantee we’ll succeed. There are always factors beyond our control, and sometimes our best just isn’t good enough. What then?
Well… we’ll probably be really, really disappointed and sad. And then, after we get over that, we’ll try again. Maybe in a different way, or we’ll try something new. My son may become a professional trumpet player, and he may not. I hope for his sake that he succeeds. And if he doesn’t I have complete faith in him that he’ll figure something else out. The one thing he’ll never, ever have to do is look back and wonder what could have happened if he had just committed with his whole heart.
What about you- do you believe in setting A,B and C goals for big races?
What about life decisions- do you like to commit fully, or have a backup plan?
26 Responses
This is great.
It reminds of my career choices. I majored in French and wanted to work in NYC and travel to France as part of my job. My back up plan was be a teacher. I taught French for 22 years.
In my early years of racing and blogging, I always had an A B and C goal. I guess that way I always met one of my goals. Truthfully we are disappointed when it’s not A.
I stopped that. One race goal and it’s usually to have fun and want/be able to run another. A wimpy one but at this stage of my life it’s all I need to be happy.
Darlene, you make an excellent point- are we really happy when we reach a “C” goal? It feels more like a consolation prize. What you’re doing now is definitely working for you- I don’t think it’s wimpy. You figured out what you need to do to be happy.
A lot of food for thought here.
I’m definitely goal-driven, but *trying* to live more by values – a continual growth mindset instead of a “reach this and be done” mentality.
Hmm. I’m going to get this book and check it out and ponder this more over the coming days. A lot to think through – thanks for a great post, Jenny!
It’s a fun book to read- and Katie writes about her own trials and tribulations as well.
Bravo to your son for pursuing performance (the thing that he wants) and not taking the “safe” route (the one thing that he knows for sure that he doesn’t want). The education degree sounds more like a punishment than a backup. Even if for some reason he doesn’t end up performing, he’ll still have a thousand other career opportunities open to him with a degree. I’ve never used my undergrad for anything except a box to check on an application.
Yes, that’s my feeling! He’ll still have a college degree and four years of experiences, friendships, and great connections. Might as well go for what he wants.
I am stuck back on the advice to never marry someone more neurotic than you — are we neurotics all to marry each other?!?! That seems like a poor plan!
This was such a thought-provoking post. I am generally a back-up plan kind of person, but I can definitely see how it can delay or event stunt your achievement.
Ha ha… Curtis talks about that. It’s pretty funny the way she describes it. She says she’s more neurotic than her husband, so I guess she won out on that one!
My B and C goals usually come tome as I’m questioning whether my A goal is too far out of reach, LOL And, I have come to realize, like you stated, there are often times circumstances out of our control. Not making that A goal is disappointing, but if I do all we can and am able ON THAT GIVEN DAY (with the whatever circumstances I’ve been blessed with), the B or C goal feels pretty satisfying knowing I did the best I was able. Glass half full 😉
Yes, that does make sense- you could have a big goal, and then it’s 90 degrees on race day, making that goal impossible. Still important to have something to shoot for and feel good about!
Wow, I really like that – to not have an easier fallback plan or you’ll lower your expectations. I approach most races with a time goal in mind, and if I don’t reach my goal, I hope to do the best I can second to that. So I guess I have a Plan B in the back of my mind, but it’s never a specific time. Does that even make sense? BTW, I love Janae at HRG!
Yes, Janae is great and her blog is fun to read.
I remember Meb has a chapter in his book, 26 Marathons, where he talks about what he does if his race goes badly. I don’t think he goes into it with a specific B or C goal, but when the A goal becomes unattainable, he commits at that point to still doing the best he can. Sounds kind of like what you do!
Interesting topic! I’m all about having a backup plan. Backup plans are a way of life in my career! 🙂 As for A, B, C goals for running, I’ve had far too many races where my only goal would be to BQ, and when I didn’t get it, I’d be depressed about my race. Even if that race was amazing, it wasn’t my BQ and it made me disappointed in myself. It was far too much pressure and it took the joy away. So enough of that, I change my attitude to accept my accomplishments for what I could achieve in the situation!
And btw, is Janae no longer a Brooks runner? I was shocked to see her promoting another brand!
Well, Janae had a bad case of plantar fasciitis a couple months ago, and found that Hoka Cliftons really helped her. I guess that encouraged her to look around more at shoes, and she then discovered the Asics. I could be wrong about this, but I think she’s sponsored in some way by Brooks but they’re okay with her wearing other shoes- but not sure what will happen if she stops wearing Brooks completely.
IN your situation, you tried “committing with your whole heart” and it ended up making you sad and disappointed. So it makes sense that you developed the A B and C goal plan for yourself.
Yes, I have “Plan Bs”, because thinking in worst-case scenarios helps me not to panic.😀
In 2018, we both quit our comfortable and lucrative jobs at Swiss banks and opted for the self-employment route.
We had no idea if this would work. But it worked very well and my takeaway is that we should have done this sooner.
I rarely set goals for a race – I just run as I feel like. 😀
Paul will succeed, I’m sure!
Thank you Catrina! I can see how having a “Plan B” in the back of your mind would make things less stressful in life.
A beautiful post with great thoughts.
In my life sometimes I have a “Plan B”. In a race I don’t have any plan, I just run as I can.
All the best.
Thank you Mr. Knight! Yes, I’ve had different approaches depending on the race- sometimes I just run and see what happens.
I’m stuck on the advice to not marry someone more neurotic than you, just like Suzanne. I mean, unless you’re marrying someone exactly equally as neurotic as you, someone’s got to be more neurotic, right? Or is that you need offsetting neuroses (like I’m neurotic about having enough socks and postage stamps and my husband throws out the milk two days before it’s use by date)? Or is that neurotics shouldn’t get married at all? Just…what is this advice, Curtis Sittenfeld?
I have a good friend who is a professional mezzosoprano opera singer. She is an amazing human being and all I can say is that I wish your son luck in his profession because this world is made a much better place for art and we need all the “bettering” we can get!
Ha ha… Curtis addresses that very question in her essay (she’s more neurotic than her husband and she felt guilty about that at first!)
Yes, that’s another point about encouraging people to go into the arts- if everyone took a more practical approach, there would be no more artists in the world, and how sad would that be?
This sounds like an awesome read! For my marathons, I usually had A, B and C goals. Because the marathon distance can be so unpredictable, I always felt like having those goals was key!
Yes, I would say it’s a marathon thing- you don’t really hear people talking about A,B, and C goals for a 5k.
Honestly, I don’t ever set A, B and C goals for races. I know that I want to run a PR and I will try and if it doesn’t work out, it doesn’t work out… but I don’t usually fall back on a B goal. Because is not reaching goal automatically goal B?
I also agree wholeheartedly that if you son wants to play the trumpet professionally, he has to “go for it”! And if it doesn’t work out, he’ll find something else to do… how many people have to do this in their lives with less of a passion to pursue?
Yes, a B goal is basically a consolation prize for not reaching the real goal, it seems. But it works for some people!
I read that book a few years ago, and I’ll admit to just skipping right over Donald Trump’s essay. No, thank you! 🙂
I usually don’t make backup goals for myself. I am someone who loves to set goals and strive for them, but I also try not to beat myself up too much if I don’t meet the goals I set. Mostly because the majority of the goals are just for fun! But there is definitely a lot of food for thought here, like if I’m not striving hard enough for some of the goals I set for myself and what would happen if I did have a little more fire in me? Hmm.
Ha ha… I did read his essay- I was too curious not to. You wouldn’t know it was him- he just sounded like a regular person.