I think I may have mentioned (a few times) that we’ve been having a rocky time with my daughter. Angie is thirteen- which is hard enough- and in addition, she has a “prickly” personality. Let’s just say she’s honest to a fault, so that means she’ll tell you things like “Your eyebrows look horrible.” Or she’ll tell her friends their acne is ugly, and she recently told someone that his mother is stupid.
We have tried! Really, we’ve tried. Angie also has her good points, of course (smart, good sense of humor, reliable) but socially… we struggle. Not surprisingly, she’s had some disagreements this year with her group of friends, and was excluded from some events- which hurt. In spite of her prickliness, it’s hard to see her unhappy.
The other day I asked how she was getting along with a girl who had turned into a “rival” and my daughter paused, then said, “It’s fine. I’ve realized most of my problems are created by myself.” My heart almost stopped beating- it was such a profound statement, and so unexpected, coming from her.
This girl- let’s call her Katelin- and Angie have been fighting over who will be flute section leader this year. My daughter said when the band director announced there would be a big playing test coming up, Katelin turned and gave Angie a high-five, and as Angie high-fived her, she said “I realized Katelin is not my enemy.”
I’ve learned not to get too philosophical with my daughter, but I did take the opportunity to tell her that we ALL create our own problems, and a lot of adults still don’t recognize that fact. Strangely, I felt like I could learn a lesson or two from a tween who’s struggling with social skills. Other people are not our enemies. We create our own problems.
If my daughter can recognize these things, there’s hope for all of us.
#nablopomo2022. Thanks to our fearless leader, San, for organizing this fun challenge!
23 Responses
THIS!!!! One of my stepsons has the gift of being able to speak his mind. If you ask “how are you?” he doesn’t say “I’m good, thanks” he gives you the real answer. The downside is that he’s had similar situations as your daughter has. I think of it as a superpower that he was born with that he’s learning to master. Once he gets past the “to a fault” part of being honest, it’s going to be terrific. And he’s made considerable progress.
I always say that it’ s never to late to learn new things or to change, but there are people in this world who get it from an early age. Like you say, we can learn a lot from them.
Yes, the upside is that honesty is actually a great quality. And it’s probably confusing to this type of person, trying to figure out when they’re “supposed” to lie. Good to know there are others like her!
If more people could realize that they create their own problems, and thus have the power to solve them, the world would be a better place!
That said, ooof, that’s tricky. It’s hard to see your child excluded or sad. I’m sorry.
Yeah, it’s tough. We seem to be in a better phase right now… I hope it lasts.
I think I’m a lot like your daughter. The truth is that I don’t always understand social interactions and what niceties are expected from me until it’s too late. When someone asks a question, I assume that they want an honest answer and sometimes it’s actual a rhetorical question and I don’t understand that until it’s much too late. I can come off as awkward and weird and it’s been this way for as long as I can remember. Sometimes I get it right. Sometimes I have to apologize to someone later after I reevaluate the situation and see what went wrong. So, basically, what I’m saying is that it’s great she’s learning this lesson early! And she should probably get used to apologizing!
Yes, that’s what my daughter is like. She really doesn’t understand rhetorical questions, and usually answers them honestly which is a little startling to the questioner. Maybe the next skill she should learn is the art of apologizing!
Parenting is tough, but it is incredible when kids can work through to solutions on their own. This is such great progress, despite being a very tough time of life (really being a tween/teen is so hard – or it least it was for me!).
Also, I think it IS especially challenging for “honest” personalities because, quite frankly, we do “lie” a lot – when someone asks how we’re doing and we say “great” or “fine” often that IS a lie. So I think people who are more blunt with the truth get a bad rap. I understand it’s not socially “correct” but then we teach our kids that honesty is the best policy…so there is a giant gray area.
Gah – wishing you all the best in the rocky world that is parenting. The fact you provide her with a safe place to come back to for venting/talking through everything is exhausting – but so important.
For what it’s worth, my son told me today (after his birthday party): This was my worst birthday party ever. There are some huge caveats to that statement (overall he DID have a good time, and his guests all loved it)…but it really, really, really took the wind out of my sails 🙁
Oh, I’m sorry to hear that! But I’m also smiling a little because that’s definitely the type of thing my daughter would say. It also didn’t mean he didn’t have a good time! I think their idea of “the worst” is often different than ours. I’ll be interested to hear all about this party.
I think Germans are a lot more honest/straightforward in a lot of things, and I had to learn to be a bit more nuance sometimes when I moved to the US.
So I don’t think your daughter’s directness/honesty is necessarily a bad thing, but she’s in the stage of life where she’s learning how to use this trait to her advantage. As Beckett says, I think once she gets past the “to a fault” part of being honest, it’s going to be a great advantage for her.
That realization of hers sounds like a big step in the right direction. My 11 year old will sometimes say things that are better left unsaid (even I they are true) and we had a couple talks about it. It’s getting better andI hope the same is true for your daughter. All in all honesty is a good quality I think (especially if it means that the parents will learn the truth from them if there are issues).
Wow, this is so powerful. Your daughter’s self-awareness is amazing, but it also makes my heart ache a bit.
Maybe she is realizing that she and her “rival” are driving each other to excel — or maybe I’m thinking too much of Carie Soto is Back. 😉
Ha, that’s what I keep telling her- the girls are pushing each other to be better than they would otherwise. I don’t think she sees it like that quite yet- but she will when she looks back, I’m pretty sure.
I’m very honest but then I’m GREAT to shop with now I know to temper my reactions a bit! Good work by you and your daughter, a hard dance to navigate.
Yes, I’m hoping as my daughter gets older she’ll learn to at least not say everything out loud.
Is she a Taylor Swift song? Her realization reminded me of one of her new songs, ‘Anti Hero’.
I think understanding that most of your problems are caused by your own actions is insightful, and something that a lot of adults haven’t reached, but probably should. Nicely done her.
I’ll have to ask my daughter if she knows that song- but I’m guessing she doesn’t like Taylor Swift.
Oh what a great moment! Thank you for sharing it. I’m struggling with my pre-teen too and I know I need to back down and give her space, but when I do that, I feel like I’m not trying to be a good parent, that I’m giving up on her or not helping her enough. I think it was so beautiful that your daughter figured out some life truths for herself, and maybe I need to just reassure myself that likewise my kid needs to come to things in her own way.
Yes, it is VERY HARD. My daughter basically pushed me away, so I had to let her do her own thing. I have to take advantage of these little, isolated moments to have “serious” talks with her.
Wow what am insightful comment from her. That is impressive especially at her age! It’s good to learn things like that early on. It puts her in control of things versus being a victim of a situation.
Being honest to a fault is tough when you are still learning how to operate in social situations. I am sure she will figure it out eventually but it can be a painful learning process!
Yes- it’s definitely a good thing to realize you have control over these situations. It really was a surprisingly insightful comment for her!
That is SUCH an important realization to come to, especially at a young age! I can only imagine how difficult it is to parent a young teenage girl. There is so much being thrown at her and the dynamics of female friendship at that age can be more “frenemy” like than actually strong, healthy friendship. I don’t think there’s necessarily anything wrong with being someone who is TOO honest, but it does mean she’ll have to learn how to recognize which situations call for honesty like that and which do not. It’s a hard road to walk!
Isn’t it interesting that a sentences from a child, tween can make us stop and reconsider our own thoughts. I had a similar situation with my niece. Can’t really remember what she said but I remember the feeling that something shifting and a new light was shown on my believes.
You daughter sounds like a strong personality and I believe that isn’t the worse. Leaning to be a bit more diplomatic about it though will help… (I may talk from experience…).
Ha, she definitely has a strong personality! Hopefully it will soften around the edges as time goes on.
Yes, it can be really interesting to listen to kids that age- they say some amazing things.