One thing I’ve learned about myself (and maybe everyone is this way, I don’t know) is that when I get sad about one thing, my brain finds all sorts of other things to be sad about as well.
Saying goodbye to my son was sad, so then I got super sad that Christmas is over. That made me sad about our cat Charlotte all over again, and now my sneaky brain has found a brand new thing to be sad about.
It actually started as a happy thing, one of the things that made Christmas extra special this year. My daughter has a boyfriend! She’s had crushes over the years that never worked out, and she was starting to get down on herself, asking me if she was unattractive and why no one liked her (ouch). Then, she developed a friendship with a boy she talks to at the gym all the time- they started seeing more and more of each other- and the day after Christmas he officially asked her to be his girlfriend.
You guys!!! It’s the sweetest thing! At first I was worried because he’s a year older than my daughter, but as soon as I met him, I realized he’s the nicest boy in the world. He’s been over at our house all the time these last couple weeks, and I just love him. My daughter has had a huge boost in her self confidence, and for about a week all was well (in my mind).
But I can’t just go along too happily, can I? Now I’m worried that he’s TOO nice for her. My daughter can be kind of… prickly… and now that they’ve gotten more comfortable with each other, I can see that coming out. What if he breaks up with her??? GAAAH, that would be so sad!
So now I’m sad about something that hasn’t even happened. Maybe he likes a little bit of friction in a relationship, to balance out his niceness. OR, maybe his niceness will rub off on her and she’ll get a little softer. Or, maybe he’ll break up with her and it will be a learning experience. Either way… this is her life to live, not mine.
I know you can’t let other people have control over your happiness, but it’s so hard when it’s your kids!!! Meanwhile, I have to stop this spiral of sadness I’m sinking into. I’ll try the best way I know how, which is to get up tomorrow morning and go for a run. But first, I’ll pop an Advil PM and get into bed. That should turn my brain off for a while.
Do you get into spirals of sadness like this? Is there a solution?
Top photo by Sophie Elvis on Unsplash
32 Responses
Ah! How fun! First your son gets engaged (CONGRATULATIONS!) and then your daughter gets a boyfriend! I would be kind of freaking out!
And I totally get the sadness. This time of year can be lovely, but it can also be sad. Some people are mostly experiencing one or the other at this time of year, but a lot of us are experiencing both. I think you just got to roll with it. Stick with your routines and keep doing what you need to do, but also accept the sadness when it comes. I found myself still feeling deep sadness about the loss of our cat even months after it happened. It can sneak up on you, especially when the holidays are complicating matters.
Thank you Noemi! That’s good advice. Sticking to routines is REALLY important, otherwise things just get worse and worse. And holidays definitely complicate things when grief is involved.
I am an expert at that kind of a “sadness train” … why are brains like that?
Especially when some of these things truly are happy things… your daughter has a boyfriend! How Wonderful. That sadness is just a (understandable, but unnecessary) worry!
Oh I like that- the “sadness train.” It’s a perfect description. And yes, why do our brains want to do that to us???
I think a good run will help. You need to distract yourself from the sadness and break the cycle.
Your brain is just dealing with a lot-engagement! Xmas! Son here! Son gone! Charlotte! New Year! It needs a good night’s sleep and time outside to get back on track.
Kids- there’s always something you can worry about! Try not to borrow trouble.
You’re right- I’m just borrowing trouble here. I do feel better this morning- I slept and had a good run (well- good for the most part- more about that coming up tomorrow in the Weekly Rundown!) Thanks for the advice.
that’s great that she got her confidence boost. I’d say that even if they break up because he’s too nice and she’s not, that’s an important lesson for long term relationships.
hope you feel better but it’s normal to feel sad after a great time with your loved ones. I’m sure this will come to me when we go back after this amazing trip.
Yes, I guess it’s almost impossible to avoid a letdown after having a great experience. And, I have to remind myself that the purpose of relationships at this point is to teach you what you do and don’t want later on down the road. I shouldn’t be making too much of it (but it’s hard not to worry about our kids!)
Oh I totally get this! Both the sadness spiral and also the worrying about teen romance. Solidarity.
Thank you Sarah!!! I appreciate it.
I get this. You have sone anticipatory sadness and anxiety about what might be coming. But it is wonderful that your daughter feels like she can be her whole self. It’s tough to see some prickly behavior but maybe he understands it’s a quirk of her personality? It’s hard to worry about future heart breaks, though.
I got a little sad when we were planning the friend list for Paul’s birthday party. He’s been kind of bullied by a few kids at school. It’s sad to see that happening at his age. And he’s such a kind little soul. But he is so very tiny and not naturally athletic – but he wants to play football with his classmates and sometimes they wont let him or they make him be the ref… and it just kills me that they act like this. I personally want him to avoid these kids and Phil wants him to push back and stand up for himself. But Paul is more built like me and that doesn’t come naturally. Sigh. I do not see this being an issue for Taco. He will not suffer fools, just like his dad. How I wish Paul and I had a bit more of that in me.
Nooooooo!!! I’ve been there and it’s the saddest feeling of all, when your kid is being bullied or left out. I know it builds character but boy, does it hurt. How is Paul handling it? Is he upset or taking it in stride? Yes, it’s definitely harder for smaller boys, which is so unfair. He seems like a happy, well-adjusted kid so hopefully it’s not upsetting him too much. Oof.
He’s been crying several times when we pick him up from the after care program so it definitely bothers him. We keep encouraging him to avoid the mean kids (my advice) or stand up for himself (Phil’s advice). I think he’s doing a mix. It’s sad how early this kind of behavior happens. It will he good to talk to his teacher at conferences in February to see what she’s observed. It seems to mostly happen at the after care program where there is less keen attention paid.
I hope things continue to go well for Angie! Trying to enjoy the present and not think about what might happen – but that is easier said than done and as moms we want to kind of ‘gird our loins’ and prepare for the hard stuff.
We can all relate! It’s like “I’m here, when is that other shoe gonna drop?” I think it’s also normal to prepare for the worst and be pleasantly surprised since the reality is never as bad as the fiction that we write in our heads.
Since I don’t have the answer, I’m here to say “I see you” and congrats to your kids! The little baby birds are enjoying their perches on the edge of the nest.
Thank you Birchie!!! I’m feeling better today for a variety of reasons. I mean- there’s still things to worry about but that’s life!
THIS IS ME EVERY SINGLE TIME MY PERIOD IS COMING UP. 100% get it!! and yes sometimes it’s like sadness begets sadness . . .
You know- that’s weird. I haven’t had a period in almost a decade (woohoo! best decade ever!) but this is the way I used to feel the day before my period! I forgot about that! Hmm. I wonder if it’s something hormonal? Do I even have any hormones left, lol?
Aw, Jenny… I’m sorry you’re feeling this way… but I’m sure everyone is familiar with this spiral… especially moms?
A run sounds like a good idea. And then a book, a talk with A? (Clearly this may be something she needs to hear and may be helpful.) (If you’re brave enough, ha!)
Sending some strength and sunshine for a lift <3
I did have a talk with her (very, very cautiously) and I’m feeling better about the whole thing. At least, THAT whole thing. There’s still the end of Christmas etc. but I have this every year and get through it, so I will this time too. Thanks for the strength and sunshine!!!
Awww, Jenny, I hope you got a nice long sleep – sometimes that helps with the spiral. You can’t control what happens in other people’s lives, it’s hard when it’s our kids, but we have to just let go. I understand! I really do. I hope the sleep and the run help. xo
I did have a great sleep THANKS TO YOU NICOLE. I’m not sure if you recommended it to me directly, or if I saw it in the comments on someone else’s blog, but I took your advice and tried Advil PM. It is a MIRACLE. This morning my husband complained that my daughter was noisy in the middle of the night (apparently she was practicing flute at 3 am???) but I heard NOTHING. It was such a great night. For me, at least. My husband was cranky this morning.
I so relate. I have had a real rollercoaster of emotions since Christmas this year (and I don’t have any kids in the throes of young love, either). It’s a lot to take in as a parent, and I think we always feel responsible for our kids’ happiness, even when they get older. But the stakes get higher and, in reality, there is a lot less we can do to buffer their challenges.
I hope the run and sleep helped. It is SO hard to feel like this, my friend. I feel you and I see you and I’m so glad you shared this because it really does help when we realize that life (even when it seems to be hunky dory) is still hard and nebulous.
This post has given me all the feels!!!!!
I also know that whatever happens you will be there to support your kids. What a gift you are in their lives, Jenny! You are such a good, loving mom <3
Oh thank you Elisabeth!!! It definitely helps to share and get feedback, because when I’m in a sadness spiral I’m just not seeing things clearly. I get the clarity from you guys! And, I appreciate your kind words very much : )
I’m just gonna put it out there: my kids are not dating or driving. Until they are in their 30s, I’m sure that’d be fine with them, no? ;))
Ha. Kidding, of course. Kind of.
Anyway, it’s a lot to process. I remember from prior years that you struggle when Christmas is over, in general. I have no advice but I love what others have said. A week before my period is just miserable. Every month the sadness train arrives and get on and ride it for a while.
Hahahaha. Good luck with that, Daria! Luckily you’re not there yet, but the teenage years are tumultuous for everyone!!!
Oh no. I hope you are able to overcome this ‘what if’ feeling. I think it’s great that she’s met a nice guy and maybe he will be good for her. Or the experience will be good for her. If things end in another way, I do think it will serve as a learning experience. We’ve all been there. Life isn’t always easy, but think of all the things you’ve learned along your path to adulthood? Only a few of my kids dated in high school, and I’ve been grateful for that. I think they have so much to figure out on their road to becoming an individual. Fingers crossed that all goes well, or ends in a way that can benefit her. Good luck. I hope you get some good sleep. A few good nights of sleep always give me a clearer perspective on things.
Thank you Ernie! You’re a good person to hear from because you have lived through many teenage years! I did get some good sleep and it helped SO MUCH.
My son didn’t date until college, so this is the first time I’m navigating young (very young) love!
I totally get the sadness thing! I’m trying not to think about how I have to go home tomorrow after two weeks away and then go back to work on Monday for the first time since December 19. Ugh! I know life has to move on after the holidays but it’s just so hard and I wish I could ease back in instead of having to dive right back into a routine. But I’m sure after the first week, I’ll be just fine.
I do, I DO get into sadness spirals like this! And it is SUPER HARD when it’s your kids. There is nothing wrong with you, transitions are difficult, change is difficult, the comedown after the giddy heights of the Christmas season is super hard. This will be a great experience for your daughter to have no matter how it goes. Sometimes they need to practice relationships before they realize what really works for them. Neither of my kids is attached, my son has only had one serious girlfriend and my daughter has had none, and sometimes that makes me sad, but mostly I’m happy that they’re doing work that fulfills them and have great friends.
And losing your cat was really sad and super difficult, and that’s not going to go away quickly, and shouldn’t.
Big hugs!
I was talking to my daughter recently about a person I dated when I was young, and she said something like, ‘well, you didn’t marry him, so clearly it didn’t work out…’ and I thought about that. I felt like it DID work out. We dated, we decided (at least one of us did) that we weren’t meant to be together, and we broke up. We learn so much from those early relationships, hopefully. What we want, who we want. I broke up with a guy I was with for almost 2 years because I was mean when I was with him. I didn’t want to be that person, and I couldn’t figure out a way to not be that way, because he was so annoying and we were always in competition for control and whatever. I’m not saying that my breakups didn’t hurt, because they absolutely did, but I think they all ‘worked out’ in the end. Not something that I would have wanted to hear at the time, of course.
I hope that your daughter learns that she is valuable, and how a good boyfriend acts. These are great lessons. How she wants to be in relationships is another, but it may take a little while for her to learn that one. And maybe who she is is who she is? We have friends who have been together since high school, and the way she talks to him is horrible. They’re happy though, so I stay the hell out of it.
PS – I still cry about losing Mulder. It will be 3 years in May. Losing our pets is HARD and the pain often comes up when I’m sad about something else. Sometimes something stupid even. “My dinner didn’t turn out, and I can’t even have my dog!”
That’s such exciting news about your daughter – what an adorable meet-cute story, too!
You get sad thinking about your kids… I do the same with my mom. I have to work REALLY HARD not to let her emotions affect my life, but it’s hard because when she’s hurting, I’m hurting. Or if she’s in a bad mood, I let it put ME in a bad mood even when I’m not. Ughhhhh. How do we stop this cycle?!?! I have no answers. A lot of therapy, I guess.