You guys, I’m REALLY enjoying NaBloPoMo so far! I’m reading as many posts as I can every day (my apologies- I don’t get to every single one of them, but I am trying to hit them all as the month goes on) and the posting/responding to comments doesn’t feel as overwhelming this year.
Kae has written a couple posts recently that I keep thinking about. The first was this one about finding the time to work out. She has ambitious goals of strength training 5x a week and doing cardio as well, and was wondering why it was so hard to fit that in on top of her full time job and caring for her family.
I don’t remember who originally said it, but this is true: “You can have it all, but not all at the same time.” Kae has two teen boys who are heavily involved in school and extracurricular activities. In her comment section I pointed out that in a few years, her boys will be off to college, and at that point she will probably have all the time she wants to spend on her workouts.
This is something I have to remind myself. My son is in grad school right now, and my daughter is a junior in high school. There are days when I seem to spend SO MUCH TIME shuttling her from one thing to another, or listening to her practice flute, or talking about her latest school dramas. At the end of the day I’ll think “hey, how come I didn’t have time for yoga today?” Then I have to remind myself that this phase will end- and I’ll miss having her at home. i want to soak it all up while I can.
In another post, Kae talked about the pressures to volunteer for school/sports events. Does it seem like a lot more is expected of parents these days? I don’t remember my own parents driving me all over the place and spending hours and hours volunteering at various band events… because they, um, WORKED. Now it seems like all these activities are heavily dependent on parental involvement.
Here’s a perfect example- my daughter made the all state band, hooray! And here’s what that means for me: I have to take three (unpaid) days off of work to go with her to Tampa as her chaperone, and pay for a hotel. I’m not complaining! I enjoy this trip. But when I went to all state in high school, the school provided our transportation and chaperone. . My parents stayed home (again, because they worked!)
This is just one of many, many examples of where the parents are expected to drive and/or accompany the kids to events. AND- we pay a “fair share” payment every year of $550 for our kids to be in the band. This goes to cover… expenses?
Again- I’m not complaining. I’m just pointing out that it seems very different from when I was in high school. I’m wondering if this is a sign of the times? Or is it different in different parts of the country? In Florida we pay no state income tax, so maybe we get less from the schools? I guess that’s fair enough, but I don’t think this is just a Florida thing.
By the way, I know I get off easy having kids in band. From what I hear, the financial and time commitments for travel sports teams (and competitive dance, EEK) are absolutely insane.
If you have kids, do you think things are very different from when you were growing up? Did your parents spend a lot of time at school events?
Top photo by Markus Winkler on Unsplash
31 Responses
Oh, it is so different now. I was in high school in the 80s, and my parents showed up for concerts and that’s it. And they were loving parents too. There was no demand for all this extra stuff. Right now, there’s too much – why did the band have to go to a competition and stay overnight? Why do the travel teams have to go 4 hours away, stay in hotels for a weekend, and pay for the privilege? Every event needs t-shirts, photos, decor… whatever you and Kae wrote, I agree 1000%.
I do volunteer and expect to do extra for my kid’s elementary school- Catholic, shoe-string budget- but that’s how it’s always been. (And they charge you $300 if you don’t volunteer, to help pay for things. ) I don’t mind doing dishes in the cafeteria or selling concessions. I hate the trappings of modern high school – expensive dresses, graduation packages for hundreds of dollars, stuff that won’t matter in a few months.
Can we blame social media? Or Covid? No, this was going on since my kids were in school (2000s). ( I like to blame every misfortune on Covid.)
I don’t exercise and have no time first myself anyways, so I can’t comment meaningfully. Just note I’m continually awed by people who can find the time to do anything physical on a regular basis.
Yes- just to be clear, I had loving parents who never missed a concert. And we participated in one big fundraiser every year. Now, in addition to being asked to volunteer for every event, paying the $550 fair share payment, there are constant fundraisers- come wash cars, sell Dominoes pizza cards, participate in gift wrap… etc. etc. I don’t think it’s Covid (sorry, we can’t blame the pandemic) because it was like this when my son was in school as well.
It is so very different now regardless of what state you live in, I think. I am not in that peak volunteer stage of life yet, but I know it’s coming for me. Even at the elementary school level, there are a lot of volunteer activities/assumptions. Like parents volunteer in the lunch room every day to help kids open milk cartons, clean up, etc. There is janitorial staff so I’m not sure why it’s needed. But our PTA does a lot of cool, free family events and the kids all get a free yearbook (it’s paperback and small but very cute). And they do teacher appreciation days, too. We end up contributing more to the fundraiser than the average family to kind of make up for the fact that we are not able to volunteer during the day. Although I did just volunteer to co-head the Scholastic book fair in December but that is an event near and dear to my heart that I think will be fun (again, through PTA fundraising, every kid gets a certain amount so that everyone can buy a book). But I was kind of floored by all that the soccer team parent do at Kae’s school. Like why does there need to be someone that plans social events?? Is that really necessary? I mean I get that there is a benefit to getting together but is it essential on top of everything else parents are doing? My parents honestly did not really have a social life when they were raising kids since they were so busy running a business, taking care of the house, making meals, and keeping up with their 5 kids! Although our extracurriculars were far less intense than what I hear others’ kids are doing! They were all school-based and there was barely any volunteer involvement from parents aside from like working the concession stand at games, but that was often staffed by students.
The workout rumination is something I can relate to, although I do not hold myself to nearly as high of a standard as Kae. I aim to get 3 workouts in, 4 if I’m lucky. I have to work hard to not compare my workouts to others. Our lives are all so different and most blogging friends have older, more independent kids. We are out of the house for over 10 hours on the days we are in the office so I just don’t have the schedule flexibility that others do. And I cannot get up super early to workout like some can or I will just get so exhausted (although I should probably take advantage of my current insomnia to workout as I as waking earlier than I’d like…).
Yes, really important point- we CANNOT compare ourselves to what other people are doing! You could look at my workouts and think you’re not doing enough, and I could look at your job and think that I’m not working enough- we all have different things going on. AND WE’RE ALL DOING OUR BEST.
My kids’ “preschool” was really a co-op, and the parents were expected to be heavily involved. BUT- you could “pay out” your helper days. A lot of the moms were stay at home moms who were happy to earn some extra money, and the moms who worked full time were happy to have the option to pay out their helper days. Maybe more programs could work like that? But then, we’re already paying for our kids to be in band, sigh…
Yes, Jenny re: kid activities and parent participation and also appreciating the stage of life you’re in. I got totally derailed yesterday, but it was FUN to have a day with a 14 y/o…
Yes- and they won’t be 14 forever. So it’s good you embraced the day!
I don’t have kids but working for a school district and seeing what goes on, I do think it’s very different from when I was in school in the 2000s! My mom volunteered somewhat when I was younger and she was a SAHM but when my sister and I were older, she worked at a preschool so she didn’t have as much time to volunteer. But my parents were always supportive of our activities — my sister was very involved in theatre, I was somewhat as as well, we were both in dance classes and I did band in middle school/early high school which was mostly during school since I didn’t do marching band but I did do jazz band and pep band which were outside of school hours.
For workouts, I realize I’m fortunate because I don’t have kids so I can exercise frequently. I usually run 6 days a week, strength train on 2 of those days and have one day off to just do yoga. But I do find myself comparing to others who get to WFH or don’t work a traditional 9-5 who can get in more runs or run during the middle of their workday when I pretty much have 60-90 min to get it in before work.
Yes, we can all compare ourselves to someone who’s doing it “better.” I’m torn between dreading the empty nest, and also thinking that it WILL be nice to have the extra time. Everything is a tradeoff!
What instrument did you play? You may have already mentioned this but I don’t remember.
I started on clarinet in 6th grade, then played tenor sax in 7th and 8th and switched to alto sax in 9th and 10th. I preferred the tenor and wish I had stuck with that, I ended up quitting back after 10th grade because my school was very focused on marching band and I didn’t want to do that. But I had a great experience in middle school, especially jazz band!
I totally get it and immersed in this as both girls join all swim meet ups. I take it as enjoyment for me as well and really opportunity for them to experience team discipline, camaraderie, and friendship in a different way than school. These are all things that I wish I had but didn’t have. So yes, parents have much more responsibility in our generation that precious, which is sign of progress, that we can afford financially and time wise to be there for our kids.
I can totally relate but take it slightly different approach. It’s sign of progress as we get to participate and support our kids in these endevours, both financially and schedule Wise. I feel privileged to be able to take my girls to all swim competitions, travel with them, be there in those specie moments. Also they learn other things that school cannot give them, so really valuable.
I agree that the kids get a LOT from these activities. But- what if the parents don’t have the time or the finances? I guess you would point out that you have a very busy job, yet still manage to make the time for swim meets. I guess it goes to show- everyone’s situation is different, and you can’t compare yours to someone else’s.
Ah yes, the Unpaid Uber Driver stage of parenting. I can confirm that it ends but man it lasts forever. I’m not complaining either, just sayin’
I love always having a full queue of posts in my Feedly. NaBloPo truely is Christmas in November.
I know!!! I’m enjoying the fact that I ALWAYS have a blog post to read. Can’t we do this all year???
It’s really true, suddenly everything changes and you are in a different stage. My kids are so close together that it happened quickly. I mean, I went from teaching yoga and having two teen boys to suddenly moving provinces, having adult children, only one at home, and a retired husband. HOO BOY that was a lot of change all at once.
Parenting is different now, and personally I think it’s better. I have so much of a better relationship with my kids than I ever did with my parents. Some of it is me, and some of it is just the different times and parenting strategies.
Well… that’s true. I am closer to my kids than I was to my parents growing up. Hmm! So you’re saying more parental involvement is a good thing, and I see your point.
Things are definitely very different than when I was growing up. It seems crazy to me what is expected of parents these days. I thought it was bad when I was raising my children, but it’s even gotten much worse since then!
I wonder if it will keep getting worse and worse until there’s a parent rebellion!
Oh my goodness, the expectations on parents are SO different now than previous generations. Sometimes I think I’m doing something wrong and then I realize there is no playbook. I can’t ask my parents what they would do because they never went through so many of the things we face now with kids.
The cost of things, the amount of parental involvement, and even the kids’ expectations are so much higher. I think, for the most part, it’s a net negative for everyone. I think the parents are stressed which means the kids don’t enjoy things are much and we’ve built a society that really needs two parents working full time to afford all the trappings of modern life BUT also wants the parents to be fully flexible.
I’m in a privileged place of being flexible as a part-time work-from-home mom and I still feel like I don’t have nearly enough hours in the day.
That said, I know SO much will change for me once my daughter graduates. Even, I think, once she gets her driver’s license. And in a year or two my son will be able to stay home alone and that will be another big shift.
I’m trying to cherish each stage but also have to admit that I LOVE the independence that comes with my kids growing up!
That’s a great way of putting it- both parents need to work in order to afford everything, but then they’re also expected to have lots of time to volunteer. Yes, you will have more freedom when Abby has her license! My daughter is in a weird, annoying phase where she doesn’t have her license (and most of her friends also don’t) but still needs to go a LOT of places. Grr.
DONT even get me started with competitive sports in the US. My kids are still small but I hope they do not do a traveling sport.
I grew up in the Soviet Union and my parents spent exactly zero dollars and zero minutes in our extracurriculars. I think I was in the knitting/craft club? And all that meant that a friends mom got a group of kids together and showed them how to knit squares.
Now. Russia is big on gymnastics and skating. Hockey. Synchronized swimming. So I wonder how that went goes for those super talented kids that are in hokey, or skates, or synchronized swimming… Oh and ballet. Must be hard.
I’m lucky that my kids are both unathletic, ha ha. And- yes, I would imagine you have a very different perspective on all this! Not that I want to live in Soviet Russia, but there were probably some good things about it.
I think it’s very different. Sports alone has changed so much. My brothers played sports on teams that were near our house. It was all manageable. Our kids did travel sports and we were initially opposed, but the local teams consisted of kids who had never dribbled a ball, so we felt sort of compelled to join travel teams. I think my parents got off easy because there were no phones – that alone is such an added expanse and concern. Sure it makes some things easier, but when we were growing up we just went to a friend’s house and that’s where we were. I think kids were more independent and had to figure things out a bit more, like directions when driving, and problem solving, because small computers weren’t attached to us.
Working out and fitting it in around all of life’s other tasks is a chore. I hate it when the weather changes, because it eliminates the run or walk outside option for me.
There are a lot of blogs to read and it’s fun to meet new bloggers.
Oh yes- you must be VERY well acquainted with the demands of parenting!!! Once again it’s making me realize how easy I have it- two kids (with a six year age gap) and no sports. Note to self- stop complaining.
I can compare my soccer experience to Kae’s son and see huge differences with the times. It was so much simpler back in my time when parents just showed up to games and maybe helped their kid make something for the end of season pot luck. My all-state orchestra experience was also much simpler that what you describe. However, I can mostly attribute that difference to growing up in Rhode Island, where it’s almost impossible to be an hour away from anything! A tiny state made all state and soccer playoffs much simpler, with no need to ever spend the night away from home. Congratulations to your daughter on qualifying in what must be a very competitive state!
Interesting point! I guess living in a small state would make things simpler. Florida is so huge- if there’s anything involving the whole state, it definitely requires a long drive and overnight stay.
I obviously had a very different experience growing up in Germany. When I went to school, parents were VERY involved… I remember going on weekend trips with my class PLUS most of the parents (often both parents!). I have fond memories of all the times both my parents were involved in school events. I feel like these days parents are much less involved and don’t have a desire to be.
I think it is SO different now! For one, my mom was NOT going to be driving me wherever I wanted to go, lol. I’m always amazed when parents nowadays say they feel like a taxi service because my mom was not going to do that. But I see it now with my nephews in how they want their parents to take them all around town! I just didn’t even THINK to ask my mom to do that.
I don’t know much about the volunteering aspect of youth sports, but it sounds exhausting. I can’t believe that parents – especially ones who work full-time jobs! – are expected to do all of this extra work. Another reason to be grateful to be child-free, muahahaha.
My parents worked full time when I was a kid, and I remember SOME volunteer expectations (like manning a 4-H booth at the county fair), and they did do other things for the school. My mom judged speech and debate tournaments, for instance. But it didn’t seem like they were expected to do half the stuff my kid’s school expects from parents. A friend of mine was just asked to be a parent coordinator for an extracurricular which involves organizing multiple meals for students and gifts for instructors, planning and throwing an end-of-season party, and overseeing a fundraising component. That seems like too much to ask of any parent or even the entire group of parents.
I am also really loving NaBloPoMo! So much fun stuff to read!!
Can I ask why your daughter doesn’t drive herself around? My parents had to shuttle me around like crazy, to school and swimming and everywhere else. They were very excited when I was 16 and could drive myself around. That was the summer before my junior year and I was “young” for my grade so I’m assuming your daughter is 16. Is there a reason she isn’t driving herself around?
Our daughter is not going to get her license when she turns 16 because she is not thrilled with the idea of driving in the city, and she is really good at getting around on public transportation. And I am relieved that is the case! But if I had to drive her everywhere, I would probably be itching for her to get her license. In fact, the thought of driving her to this internship has me thinking about pushing it a little more, when I wanted to avoid it before. So I’m just curious about that choice in your family…
I have no kids so I am always hesitant in entering these kind of conversations.
But my observation is that kids are often not allowed doing things on their own.
My friend shuttles her kids to school and sports and what not. They could easily take the bike or bus but find excuses not to.
My parents went to like one school concert or play a year. Maybe a bit exaggerated. But they (read mom) only once came to my volleyball games after I complained.
I am sure things have changed and in some cases its probably better to have the kids shuttle sand taken care off. It’s probably different too if not in a city with public transport and shorter ways.
Anyways, I am not sure what I am trying to say here. I just sometimes wonder if kids would be more independent if they were allowed and able to.