Wow, I have been in a funk. Yesterday I felt so unsettled and dissatisfied- I couldn’t enjoy the day at all. And it was my day off work! I kept feeling like I was “wasting” the day! I know it’s because I’m not running. Lately on Tuesdays I’ve been doing a longer trail run in the morning, and it sets up the rest of the day so beautifully. Without that, my day seemed to lack structure. I kept feeling like I should be doing something, but nothing I could think to do seemed appealing.
This morning, while I was grinding away on the StairMaster, I had a stern conversation with myself. You CANNOT throw away these days! Even in “normal” times, every day is precious. But these days are especially unique and meaningful, because my son is getting married! We’ll never be in this place again. Get it together, Jenny.
It helped that while I was stepping to nowhere, I got a text from my son with a Wedding Timeline:
I’ve never been involved in a wedding like this. I got married in a park. My brother-in-law took the photos, and we all kind of milled around until everyone was there (by “everyone” I mean immediate family) and then we were like “Okay, I guess it’s time” and we stood in front of some pretty shrubs while a notary performed the service (to be clear- she was a notary who specialized in weddings. I don’t mean we pulled a notary from the bank to come and marry us). Then we all went to a Thai restaurant for dinner.
So this is all unfamiliar to me, and it will probably be a once-in-a-lifetime experience. When (if) my daughter gets married, I could totally picture her eloping to Las Vegas. Or getting married in some weird location, like a bar or a cemetery. Unless she becomes a totally different person, she won’t be having a formal church wedding.
There are components that I’m not initially comfortable with, but that I’m embracing so I can completely enjoy the day. Like to begin with- dress, hair and makeup. If you’ve been reading for a while you know the angst over the dress and shoes (eye roll) and hair and makeup are still up in the air. Minimal on everything (so I still feel like myself) and hopefully there will be someone there to help me on the day.
Next up- my son and I are having a “first dance.” He’s informed me that our dance will be “Hello Goodbye” by the Beatles (my eyes are tearing up already!) This song has significance to us from his childhood, when we used to listen to a lot of Beatles in the car. I told him we are going to have to PRACTICE THIS DANCE so I know what in the world I’m doing. And I also thought, “well, I’d rather dance than have to make a speech.”
WAIT A MINUTE. Let’s look at the 6:30 pm timeline- “Dinner & Toasts (Russell, Stevi THEN PARENTS). Omg. I have to make a toast??? You guys- life is sure hard for shy introverts. But for my son’s sake I will somehow rise to the occasion. My husband is comfortable with public speaking, so I think we can make a toast together. My contribution can be “yes, what he said!” Maybe?
Anyway- what I’m saying here is, this whole experience is going to be an adventure for me. I can’t let one little muscle (get with the program, hamstring!) get in the way of my enjoyment. Seriously- every day still counts.
Have you made a toast at a wedding? Any advice for me?
Top photo by Road Ahead on Unsplash
30 Responses
Oh the wedding day is so close – that is sooooo exciting!
I made a toast at my friend’s rehearsal dinner – I would have made one at the wedding, but I had to miss the wedding. I said something to the effect of how I had so many awesome adventures with my friend and now I was really glad that she had someone in her life to have more awesome adventures with. (Although side note – they are now divorced and I don’t talk to that friend anymore for various and complicated reasons… So maybe I don’t give very good toasts…) And at our wedding, the Husband and I toasted each of our guests – there were only 24 people at our wedding and each toast was very short, one or two sentences. I think we wanted everyone to know what made them special to us and why we were glad they were at our wedding. I think my favorite toasts I’ve sat through have been short and specific and have had one good anecdote in them to make it interesting.
I’m sure your son’s wedding will be beautiful.
Okay. Short, specific, with one good anecdote. That’s good advice!
I was just thinking the other day that I’m glad my husband and I had a big wedding. His brother and sister’s weddings were small. My families all had big weddings, which I like. I like having a lot of friends and family there to celebrate. Though I’ve been to some very small weddings closer to yours, and I really liked those as well. I’m excited for you, it’s going to be great!
I know! It really will be great. I would say this one is a “medium” wedding- I think about 100 guests- but it seems huge to me.
I think standing up, smiling, and letting your husband talk sounds great for a toast. Or something simple like have many happy years together! I would hate this, myself, and would probably start crying anyways.
I eloped, with only two witnesses , and we just had pizza afterwards.( and later a brief family Mass for a church blessing). A more elaborate wedding not my style.
It’s great that you have a clear time line, and I’m sure you’ll look wonderful. Just be you- that’s whom your son wants there!
Thank you- that’s a nice thought. You’re right! And, I’m a huge crybaby so that’s the other thing. Although if I’m trying to give a toast I’d probably be too scared to cry.
I like your tough love get it together self talk. It’s a good reminder for us all. But also I would say that we all have our funks, and it’s OK to take a minute and have our feels.
Since your husband is at ease with public speaking, my guess is that he probably has an idea of what he wants to say. Do a couple of rehearsals with him and go with your heart!
Well- my husband is at ease with public speaking, but I could picture him rambling on and on. This will probably be a collaborative effort- I can write this toast, and he can do the speaking!
Jenny, I love that you are working hard to be present during this wonderfully exciting and strange transitional time. I also think it’s okay to give your less-than-positive feelings space: it is a happy and exciting time and a new beginning for your son and his wife, but it’s also stressful, and this is a big life-changing event, and it’s bittersweet and a little sad in all the ways that watching our kids grow up is bittersweet and a little sad. It seems natural and reasonable to have some Feelings, and giving that part of yourself some acknowledgment and tenderness is STILL being present.
I got a little teary when you mentioned you got teary about your mother/son dance! Awww! That is so sweet and wonderful! I have never had to give a toast before, but I can imagine how freaked out I would be. I love the idea of doing it side by side with your husband. Let him do the “heavy lifting”!
At my wedding, the venue had a giant fireplace and we decorated it with tiny tealight candles everywhere. During his toast, my husband’s best man kept inching backward toward the candles. I was so distracted by the idea that he was going to knock into one and catch on fire and/or burn down the whole venue that I couldn’t pay attention to his toast! So my main toast advice is: STAY AWAY FROM OPEN FLAMES!
Your wedding sounds so lovely, and I giggled at your clarification about the notary. I’d love to hear more about you and your husband and your love story, if you care to share!
Thank you Suzanne!!! I like that- acknowledging all the feelings, even if they’re not all happy and pleasant, is still being present. And, I will definitely stay away from open flames! I hope there won’t be any candles at all.
Aw, this is so exciting! I think I made a toast at my son’s wedding. I mean, I did, but I can’t remember a thing I said, but I remember barely holding back the tears while I said it!
Oh gosh, I’m a huge cryer… in addition to not being used to public speaking. Seems like a recipe for disaster, ha ha. I think you’re more used to it because of your job, so you’re probably good at it.
First of all, this wedding is going to be beautiful! I am so excited for you. And Hello Goodbye is a nice song to do a dance – it’s not very long and it’s kind of boppy, so it will be simple to dance to.
I have a tip for you and for anyone else who is going to make a toast at the wedding: make it short. No one, but no one, wants to sit and listen to 20 minute soliloquys. The best kind of speech is one in which you and your husband stand up, he says whatever he wants to (but make it short!) and you say “Isabel, welcome to the family, we are so happy to have you, and Paul, we love you. We hope you have a lifetime of happiness together. Raise a glass!” Literally, that’s all you have to say. Every single person in the room will be like YES. Short and sweet! No one remembers the details of the speech, but they do remember if they had to sit through a long one. Having been to many, many weddings where that is the case (I could write a whole post on them but those people probably read my blog) I can say this for certain.
Lol, your daughter getting married at a cemetery. At least you’ll know what to expect when the time comes!
Don’t forget my tips on hair and makeup! French twist – get someone to help you if needed, take a lot of bobby pins, watch youtube videos, YOU CAN DO THIS JENNY. As for the other makeup, just a touch of tinted lip balm or gloss. Anything else is going to be too different from the way you normally look. Do NOT experiment with BB creams or anything else right before the wedding because what if it triggers your rosacea? Lip gloss. French twist. YOU ARE DONE, YOU CAN DO IT!!!!
Do you want my phone number? You could text or whatsapp or call me, and I can talk you through it? If so, email me at nicoleboyhouse AT gmail DOT com
THANK YOU SO MUCH NICOLE!!!! Yes- I am afraid to experiment with anything that could trigger my rosacea. And, I briefly considered a half up-half down hairstyle but decided it was too much for me, so I’m back to the french twist. That is definitely the best idea. ALSO, your toast! It’s perfect!!! I agree- no one wants a long toast. If I need more help I won’t hesitate to email you. Thank you again and again and again…
The wedding is getting so close!
I’ve only been involved with two weddings — my best friend from college in 2016, and my sister’s last month. I was a bridesmaid for my friend but didn’t have to make a toast. And my sister didn’t have a wedding party so I also didn’t have to make a toast there either, but my dad did and he did great! So maybe you can just make your husband do it!
My sister’s wedding was small (50ish guests) and held outdoors in a venue up in the pines which was beautiful. If I get married, I’d like to do something even more intimate and I’d probably do it in Sedona, which is my favorite place! Your wedding sounds lowkey and really nice.
You could do a trail wedding! Or get married at the finish line of a race, lol. Actually, that seriously sounds pretty good to me.
Everyone here has given great advice. Just be yourself! That almost guarantees you will have a good time.
Yes, you’re right. You’d think by the age of 60 I would have learned to ALWAYS BE MYSELF. I guess this situation is the test of that, and I can do it.
It’s going to be great. Just keep repeating that to yourself! I would check w/ the mom or bride about whether the person doing the bride’s hair would have time to do a simple french roll for you. You can go last since you do not need to be ready nearly as early as the bride and bridesmaids! If that isn’t an option, you could see if you could find a salon in that town that has an appt available for you. But hopefully the person doing the bridal party’s hair has time to squeeze you in. I’d ask now so this isn’t weighing on you. I could never do my own updo, even a simple french roll. No amount of youtube videos would help me as I am just not good at these things.
Re: the toast, you don’t need to talk if you don’t want to! Your husband can represent you two. If both parents speak, it’s often just one parent that speaks unless both parents feel strongly about speaking. The speeches are my favorite part of the wedding, unless they are WAY TOO FREAKING LONG. Phil and I just had a conversation about his coworker going to his brother’s house in somewhere bougie, like Martha’s Vineyard or something and I said – wait, is that the brother who gave the TERRIBLE speech at his wedding? We still talk about it. He started his speech by saying “everyone told me to keep this short and sweet but I decided to go a different direction.” He talked and talked and talked. I think I got up and went to the bathroom during the speech because it was just never ending and I was getting twitchy listening to him go on and on about their glory days of playing high school football etc etc etc. This is a situation where LESS IS MORE.
I have lost count of how many weddings I’ve been in, but I think it’s 10! I was like the woman in 27 Dresses as I was single for all of those 10 weddings. Lol. So if you need to phone a friend or text someone who is like a professional at being in weddings, I’m your girl.
Ha! Wow, you must be good at it. I agree I’m going to need someone to help me with my hair- I have tried to do it myself by watching Youtube videos with no success. I guess it’s time to reach out to Isabels’ mom and ask what the “getting ready” situation is going to be like.
My husband and I just talked about the toast, and I stressed the point of brevity. He said something like “yeah, no moare than five minutes.” NO NO NO! Five minutes is a long time to sit there and listen to someone talk. I’m going to have to review and edit this toast, I can tell. That is a funny story about the guy making the insanely long speech- a perfect example of what NOT to do!
My wedding was like your. Justice of the peace, dinner in a restaurant. family and a few friends
My stepson was much bigger… but no I didn’t have to make a speech. They did it all. I just showed up.
You will do fine and I bet it all goes perfectly.
But you need to get back to running to preserve your sanity.
Thank you Darlene! Yes, not a great time to not be able to run. I tried it today and it went… okay.
You’ve never been to a wedding like this? That’s absolutely dumbfounding to me. It seems completely bog standard normal to me. My own wedding was similar although we skipped special dances – can you imagine me dancing with my abusive father without my brand new husband punching him? – and the bouquet toss because I always hated that when I was single. Also, only my husband’s brother gave a speech. That was the only one. And we gave him a two minute limit. ANYWAY. I’ve literally been to dozens of weddings like this and you’ve never been to one. It’s crazy how different people’s lived lives are! You’re going to have such a great time!!
So, I realized I have been to ONE big church wedding like this. It was my cousin’s, years ago. It was so big and fancy I didn’t really enjoy it. There were so many people there, it felt really impersonal and- this sounds so mean- the ceremony was kind of boring. It was kind of a weird situation- my mom told me that my cousin just turned the whole thing over to her mom and said “do whatever you want.” I felt like that really came out- there was just none of her personality in the whole thing ANYWAY. This one obviously won’t be like that! And yes, I guess it is kind of strange that I haven’t been to more big weddings.
Ha! I mean, my husband and I DID NOT get married in a church because I am an atheist. This was disappointing to my in-laws, but they have learned that I am still a relatively nice person despite not believing in their cult. And so our ceremony was very secular and we did readings from Crime and Punishment and things like that. My friend Natalie did the ceremony. It was under fifteen minutes. But it was a big crowd and we did dancing well into the night.
I have found that since I’ve been married, the ceremony really makes me cry. Like…my marriage is so great (I don’t mean to brag, but it is true) and I WANT THAT for all my loved ones. Even when I’m at Catholic ceremonies (so many), I tear up because there’s something so special about declaring your commitment to another person in front of all your supporters. I love a wedding. I know you’re going to have a wonderful time!!
I love weddings. I also think any time there are big life changes coming, it’s normal and natural to feel a bit… off.
Nicole is 100% right! French Twist and lip gloss. You have a gorgeous dress and great shoes and it is going to be AMAZING. But, also, don’t beat yourself up on having all sorts of feelings.
Also, SHORT SPEECHES. Yes!
Oh goodness. Sorry your hamstring is acting up. The wedding will be so much fun. I have not done a toast at a wedding. A friend once told me that her FIL told them- “Don’t sweat the small stuff,” abc that was great advice. I think you can do something short and sweet like that and they will always remember it.
I totally get it that your hamstring is throwing you off! BUT, as you already told yourself, the days still count even if you can’t do your usual routine/run, and there’s so much else to worry about right now.. like, what do you say at your son’s wedding! Haha. No seriously, other’s chimed in already: keep it short and sweet! Nobody wants LOOONG speeches at a wedding. I think it would even be fine if just your husband spoke (if he’s comfortable)… I think a “what he said” would be a funny conclusion as well 🙂 People might remember that and laugh!
I am so excited for you! It’s almost time. I think Nicole (as always) gave the best advice so I’m just going to tell you to reread her comment when you need a pick-me-up 🙂 This is going to be such a special day and I can’t wait to hear all about it!
This is such a big weekend for you, and I hope all goes well!! You will do great with the first dance and a supportive smile and nod while your husband gives the speech!