I have a 90-year-old client who loves to share “life lessons” with me. Often it’s pithy sayings like “Plant roses. The manure comes on its own.” Recently he told me his version of one hand clapping.
Unlike the zen koan, “What is the sound of one hand clapping?”, his version refers to resolving conflict. He told me to imagine friction with a family member, and to clap my hands together. The hands clapping are the two people butting heads. Then he said “now take one hand away and clap.” Obviously, the remaining hand has nothing to clap against. He said next time I have an issue with another person, take myself out of the equation and see what happens.
I’m already pretty good at disengaging with difficult people, but of course it’s the hardest with people we’re closest to. Let’s rewind a couple weeks to the night of the band banquet…
My daughter’s boyfriend was late picking her up, and she was getting extremely agitated. She started yelling at me that I would not be taking ANY photos before they left. I argued back that I would just take a quick one, outside, in front of the car, it would be so fast- she got more and more angry. We were definitely two hands clapping against each other.
Then, I just dropped it. I said “Okay, I’m going for a run.” I took myself out of the equation, emotionally and physically. I don’t think I was wrong to want a photo (one measly photo!) but also… what difference did it really make? I remembered Eckhardt Tolle’s question, “Do you want to be right, or do you want peace?”
When I do this, I usually get an apology later on. My daughter texted that she was sorry for yelling at me. I’ll also text an apology if appropriate- I mean, I’m not ALWAYS right. Just most of the time.
I’m linking up with JENN for Tuesday Topics- this week’s topic is What does mental wellness mean to you right now? (See how I stayed on topic this week???) Next week: Share your favorite outdoor adventure spot.
Link Up With Tuesday Topics
Welcome back to Tuesday Topics, as Jenny, from Runners Fly joins Jenn at Runs With Pugs to co-host this link-up! Please join us every week for a new topic! Write on our weekly prompt or choose your own topic! Make sure to add your post to the link up, link back to your hosts, and comment on the other shared posts!
Top photo by Markus Spiske on Unsplash
4 Responses
I’m sorry you’re so often on the receiving end of her anger, Jenny. It’s a tough time emotionally for girls, and I guess you can take solace in the fact that you’re a safe space for her to vent some of that frustration and pent-up emotion. But, yikes. I’m sure it’s exhausting. Especially since, from what I gather on the blog, your relationship with your son has always been, for lack of a better word, easier!
I LOVE your client’s advice. That is so smart. I love readily accessible visuals and this is a good one.
Also, I love that you followed the advice. Yes, of course you wanted to get a picture. And, in all fairness, I suspect one day your daughter will wish she had let you take a picture. But, there was no point pressing the matter. You went for a run and chose the higher road. And I suspect some high-intensity exercise helped work out of some your own emotion after being yelled at.
I’m cheering you on, Jenny. You’re a great mom and you care. It really shines through!!!!!!
P.S. I’m curious how your daughter handles interactions with your husband and her brother. I assume she butts heads with you the most (that so often seems to be the case with intense teen girls??) Ugh. HUGS, my friend. So many hugs. You’re amazing.
Yes, yes, yes!!
Provided the other hand doesn’t follow you and keep trying to clap some more….
I think that was the wisest thing to do, remove yourself from the scene for a run. I would have done the same, going to my comfort zone (running) while letting it go.
I remember your post where you mentioned how pretty your daughter looked that day and how she refused to have a photo. Uff, it’s hard being the mother of a teenage daughter sometimes!!
I’m sure part of her wanted that picture, while another part of her was completely rebelling against it. 😂 Such a teenage contradiction.
I think you handled the situation really well, Jenny. Sometimes peace really is more important than winning the argument over one photo!
Also, your 90-year-old client sounds wonderfully wise. 😅