I have a 90-year-old client who loves to share “life lessons” with me. Often it’s pithy sayings like “Plant roses. The manure comes on its own.” Recently he told me his version of one hand clapping.
Unlike the zen koan, “What is the sound of one hand clapping?”, his version refers to resolving conflict. He told me to imagine friction with a family member, and to clap my hands together. The hands clapping are the two people butting heads. Then he said “now take one hand away and clap.” Obviously, the remaining hand has nothing to clap against. He said next time I have an issue with another person, take myself out of the equation and see what happens.
I’m already pretty good at disengaging with difficult people, but of course it’s the hardest with people we’re closest to. Let’s rewind a couple weeks to the night of the band banquet…
My daughter’s boyfriend was late picking her up, and she was getting extremely agitated. She started yelling at me that I would not be taking ANY photos before they left. I argued back that I would just take a quick one, outside, in front of the car, it would be so fast- she got more and more angry. We were definitely two hands clapping against each other.
Then, I just dropped it. I said “Okay, I’m going for a run.” I took myself out of the equation, emotionally and physically. I don’t think I was wrong to want a photo (one measly photo!) but also… what difference did it really make? I remembered Eckhardt Tolle’s question, “Do you want to be right, or do you want peace?”
When I do this, I usually get an apology later on. My daughter texted that she was sorry for yelling at me. I’ll also text an apology if appropriate- I mean, I’m not ALWAYS right. Just most of the time.
I’m linking up with JENN for Tuesday Topics- this week’s topic is What does mental wellness mean to you right now? (See how I stayed on topic this week???) Next week: Share your favorite outdoor adventure spot.
Link Up With Tuesday Topics
Welcome back to Tuesday Topics, as Jenny, from Runners Fly joins Jenn at Runs With Pugs to co-host this link-up! Please join us every week for a new topic! Write on our weekly prompt or choose your own topic! Make sure to add your post to the link up, link back to your hosts, and comment on the other shared posts!
Top photo by Markus Spiske on Unsplash
27 Responses
I’m sorry you’re so often on the receiving end of her anger, Jenny. It’s a tough time emotionally for girls, and I guess you can take solace in the fact that you’re a safe space for her to vent some of that frustration and pent-up emotion. But, yikes. I’m sure it’s exhausting. Especially since, from what I gather on the blog, your relationship with your son has always been, for lack of a better word, easier!
I LOVE your client’s advice. That is so smart. I love readily accessible visuals and this is a good one.
Also, I love that you followed the advice. Yes, of course you wanted to get a picture. And, in all fairness, I suspect one day your daughter will wish she had let you take a picture. But, there was no point pressing the matter. You went for a run and chose the higher road. And I suspect some high-intensity exercise helped work out of some your own emotion after being yelled at.
I’m cheering you on, Jenny. You’re a great mom and you care. It really shines through!!!!!!
P.S. I’m curious how your daughter handles interactions with your husband and her brother. I assume she butts heads with you the most (that so often seems to be the case with intense teen girls??) Ugh. HUGS, my friend. So many hugs. You’re amazing.
Thank you so much Elisabeth!!! I really appreciate your support. To answer your question, when my daughter and husband butt heads, it can get really bad. Their personalities really grate against each other, and he hasn’t learned the concept of one hand clapping… yet.
Yes, yes, yes!!
Provided the other hand doesn’t follow you and keep trying to clap some more….
Ha ha… now I’m imagining a hand following and slapping at me…
I think that was the wisest thing to do, remove yourself from the scene for a run. I would have done the same, going to my comfort zone (running) while letting it go.
Yes, letting things go is the ultimate superpower.
I remember your post where you mentioned how pretty your daughter looked that day and how she refused to have a photo. Uff, it’s hard being the mother of a teenage daughter sometimes!!
I’m sure part of her wanted that picture, while another part of her was completely rebelling against it. 😂 Such a teenage contradiction.
I think you handled the situation really well, Jenny. Sometimes peace really is more important than winning the argument over one photo!
Also, your 90-year-old client sounds wonderfully wise. 😅
Yes, my client is wise- I love that guy. And, I think when a 17 year old girl gets upset like that, she doesn’t really know what she wants. She did tell me they would take a picture at the event, but I have yet to see any such thing.
I agree with this to a large extent – if you remove yourself from a situation, it generally dies out. But sometimes you can’t walk away, or as mbmomm put it, the other hand follows you. I’m never sure what the best approach is then.
So far i haven’t had the other hand follow me… but I’m sure that will happen at some point!
Great advice. So hard to do.
I usually pursue the argument and then get angrier.
Luckily we have running to change our mood.
Yes, I’ve tried the route of pursuing the argument and getting angrier- it never works out well!
This is a really great reminder, Jenny, thank you. (And I am sorry about the conflict with your daughter. Being a mom is so hard sometimes.)
I am loving the image of this 90-year-old sharing his wisdom with you! Does he do it WHILE you are massaging him? How charming (slash possibly irritating, lol).
Ha, the clapping one he insisted on doing before the massage started- for good reason. He’s a character, but really sharp- not just for a 90-year-old, but for any age.
I think you made the right decision — a lot of arguments aren’t worth having and getting upset over. I’m sure it’s hard though having these conflicts over and over with your daughter! My mom and I fought occasionally when I was growing up but we mostly got along and that’s still the case today, whereas she and my sister butted heads a lot and still have issues now…maybe it’s a personality thing?
I think it’s definitely a personality thing! That’s why it can be so hard- you think family members should all get along, but sometimes personalities clash and there’s nothing you can do about it.
How are you feeling??? How was the race??? HOW ABOUT RACHEL ENTREKIN, WHOA!!!!!
Long story short, I ended up DNFing but I still made it to the 50K point so still an ultra, just not an official finish. I was having foot pain that was causing me to fall a lot on the rocky trails and I didn’t want to risk going into the night on the same type of terrain and get seriously hurt so I called it. But it was an incredible day despite that and really cool to be part of the Cocodona experience! And I loved tracking Rachel and she ended up finishing the 250 a few hours after I started my race which was just mind blowing!
Sigh. Your daughter was using you as a whipping post because the person she was really angry at wasn’t there. HE WAS LATE! Moms often take on that role, sadly, even with their most genial kids.
I learned the Disengage Lesson far too late in my life. It would have been so much easier so many times if I had just STOPPED. Instead, I felt that each argument was a battle that I had to fight to the end. It wasn’t that I had to win, per se, but more that I had to make sure my point was made and not disregarded. Thankfully, I finally figured out that I don’t have to make sure every single person knew what I thought or felt. Most times now, I just smile and drop it.
It’s hard! I’m glad you’re getting it way sooner than I did.
I know exactly what you mean- somehow you feel it’s important that your point of view is heard and understood. But really… what’s the difference? And it’s not like I’ve mastered this- I still start these battles, but can usually remember to disengage, at some point.
The 2-handed clap is a great perspective! Teen daughters care tough (remember, I had two of them, thankfully at different times). As you know, the bulk of their anger/frustration gets directed at the least likely target (the loving mom who had nothing to do with the initial trigger).
Gah- I’m glad your girls weren’t teenagers at the same time. I can’t imagine having two of them at once!!!
I have also heard it said “do you want to be right, or do you want to be married?” I mean, sometimes both! But I do let go things that can be let go of. Not everything is a battle we need to win, and I think that man is very correct.
Ha, that’s another variation! It would be nice to be right, married, and have peace. But sometimes we have to make a choice.
This is so true. I got the lesson from Keanu Reeves. In an interview about conflict, he said “I’m at the stage in life where I stay out of discussions. Even if you say 1+1=5, you’re right. Have fun” And it was the perfect balance of truth and a hint of pettiness that really stuck with me. Sometimes it’s hard, especially when people say and do the most wild things, but it really helps.
You know A and I have been butting heads lately. I’ve really pulled back from engaging. He wrote me the most beautiful letter for Mother’s Day that had me ugly crying because it was so lovely in sentiment. It was worth every time I bit my tongue (and he recognized that, too).
I am sorry you were on the receiving end of your daughter’s anger. I know you already understand this, but she wasn’t angry with you — she was angry with her boyfriend. I am glad the situation had a happy ending with your daughter apologizing.
I think you did the right thing, just leaving the situation entirely. Your daughter would have just gotten more and more angry and when you look back on that picture, that might be the only thing you remember! I’ll admit that I can sometimes be very… feisty… with my mom when I’m feeling anxious about something. I’m guessing that’s where the anger came from – a bit of anxiety about being late/the event, and it manifested as anger towards you because you are the safest person for her to be that way with! Not saying it’s right – I definitely think she was in the wrong here, and I’m glad she apologized, but it’s hard to be logical when your brain isn’t fully developed and you have all those teenage hormones to deal with! Ha. LMK if you need my mom’s phone number so she can tell you all the ways I was a little brat when I was that age!
OMG – I always thought that the “One hand clapping” thing was meant to be one hand waving bye-bye. Like your fingers are clapping against your palm. I guess it means the same thing, but a hand clapping against air is such a different mental image.